


We Let Our Battles Choose Us

by brokenspaces



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, BAMF Angus McDonald, Capable Women continue to be more capable than Actual Superheroes, Everyone is dumb and gay, F/F, F/M, Human AU, Kravitz is a dumb gay, Lucas Miller is a nerd, M/M, Sazed can go fuck himself, Taako is a nerd and I will die on this hill, superhero au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2019-09-15 14:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16934811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenspaces/pseuds/brokenspaces
Summary: The Seven Birds. They worked in the shadows. Quick. Fast. Smart. Very few people knew the name, and those who did were far too scared to utter it.But that was before they found the Hunger. Before they found the Light. Before they found the Voidfish.Before the Seven were erased from reality.----------"Uh, my dudes?""Yeah?" Taako pointed at the vines surrounding Merle, the actual steel that Biceps over there just bent, and his own cell phone, which had just turned into a block of chocolate in his hand."What the fuck."





	1. Uh... Craigslist

They met on Craigslist. 

No, really. Taako (you know, from TV?) was bundled up in his shithole of an apartment, eyes glazing over as he scrolled past endless ads for stuff he was pretty sure was illegal in some states. He could have responded, he supposed. He was pretty enough, had that 'unique' look they all said they liked. And he also hadn't eaten in a couple of days. Before he gave in and just answered one of the creeps, an ad in all bold and black caught his eye.

LOOKING FOR TWO ROOMMATES FOR A THREE BEDROOM APARTMENT. MORE INFORMATION UNDER THE CUT. MUST BE FINE WITH--

“Ugh! Who would do that with a plant?” But even as Taako groaned in disgust, he heard the faint sound of the ever-leaking faucet in his bathroom and saw the mysterious stain that had been on the carpet since he moved in and hadn’t gotten out since. Plus his mirror was still broken from when he got tired of looking at his bony frame and tired eyes. The place was fucking falling apart around him. And the apartment in the ad looked pretty nice… 

So that’s how he, Taako ended up sitting across from a stout old guy with flowers woven into his hair, tapping his perfectly manicured nails on the metal table while the dude read over the half-assed bio he typed so he wouldn’t have to, like, talk to him. This creep, unfortunately, did not get a hint.

“So, ‘Taako From TV’. Why did you respond to this ad?” Taako flipped his purple bangs out of his eyes, disinterested. I need to re-dye soon, he thinks idly.

“Uh, because I need a place that isn’t a complete garbage fire and rent’s cheap here.”

“What’s your job?”

“I’m in between jobs right now.” 

“Hm.” The guy wrote something down on a notebook next to his desk, frowning. Okay, so maybe he should try to play nice. He did actually want to live in this place, even if it did require for him to live with Plant Creepster. “What’s your view on the use of weed?” Taako could smell that shit in the air around the old man ever since he walked in, so he plastered on his best show-selling smile.

“All cool, my man.”

How fine are you with vines being used to--”

Before he could finish that delightful sentence, the door slammed open and a giant guy with killer sideburns and muscles on muscles on muscles burst in. 

“Hi! Sorry if I’m late!” The guy crashed down on the chair next to Taako, smelling of sweat and dogs. “There was just this dog outside and I just had to pet it! Uh, Magnus Burnsides, nice to meet you.” He handed over his own crumpled-up paper. 

“Merle Highchurch,” the old man grumbled, giving the paper a cursory glance. They sat in silence for a few suffocating minutes. Usually, Taako would enjoy the quiet, but he was growing more and more uncomfortable by the second and he had nothing to distract himself with. It was weird, but ever since Mango or whatever came in, his palms felt especially tingly, like he sat on them for too long. He shoved his hands deeper into his coat pocket, toying with his cellphone. “You’re also between jobs?” Magnus deflated a little bit at the question.

“Uh, yeah? I have savings, so I can still pay rent until I find a job. I’m a carpenter.” He seemed to be playing with a toy… duck? Whatever. Merle was old-man sighing again.

“So neither of you are employed?” The man sighed again as the other two shook their heads. “Just great. That makes three of us. God, who’s going to pay the rent now? You two are the only ones that applied.”

“Wait, what?!” Taako stopped fiddling with his obnoxious hat. “Did you seriously, put up a Craigslist ad for two people to pay your rent for you?” Taako wasn’t usually this snappish, but the buzzing feeling in his fingers had started crawling up his arm, restless energy itching at his hands. Merle was staring at him blankly.

“Uh… yeah?” Taako groaned, sweeping up in a flurry of colors.

“Okay, ‘cha boy’s out.” He didn’t make it halfway across the room when the tingling in his hands suddenly got worse and his cellphone felt strangely… sticky. His brain only had a few seconds to stare down at his hand before the sound of crunching metal made him whirl back around. 

Now, Taako didn’t gape. But if he stared a little, it wasn’t his fault.

“Uh, my dudes?”

"Yeah?" Taako pointed at the vines surrounding Merle, the actual steel that Biceps over there just bent, and finally at his own cell phone, which had just turned into a block of chocolate in his hand.

"What the fuck?"

\------------------

Two hours and lots of screaming later, the three boys sat around the table. Magnus had his head in his hands, the same hands that had just crumpled up the table like it was paper. Taako had turned his earrings to peppermint, and was now desperately trying to turn his phone back. And Merle? Merle was way too happy with his power. 

Jesus, could this day get any worse?

“So… any of you know what the fuck this is?”

“N--no?” Magnus still didn’t look up. “I mean I’ve always been strong, but…”

“What, never torn up metal before?” Taako laughed a bit hysterically. “And you, old man? Did you know about your whole vines thing?”

“If I did, do you think I would still be here talking to you clowns?”

“Ugh. Okay, okay. None of us know anything about how I just turned my phone into a Kit-Kat?” Silence. Now, Taako was tired. He woke up this morning foolishly thinking that he could just sweep in there, dazzle his future roommate and finally abandon the memories that his old place stank of for a fresh start. How could he possibly forget the vendetta fate inexplicably had against him? He was done. “Fine. Well, I’m outtie!” He tossed his useless chocolate-phone aside (he didn’t have anyone to call, anyway) and flounced out of the door. 

“Wait! Where are you going?” He hadn't made it halfway down the hall when he heard footsteps and Magnus shouting.

“Uh… home?” He cringed as he said the word, tasting its dryness in his mouth.

“But what about the whole powers thing?”

“What about the whole powers thing?!”

“I know you felt it when I walked into the room. These powers weren’t random. We’re, I don’t know, connected. We have to stick together, you know? I was thinking we should--”

“What? You want us to join forces? Fight crime like the motherfucking Justice League? I already ruined my phone and my earrings, and as much fun as ‘superpowers’ sound, I'm good out here!” Taako was breathing hard now, dark skin flushed. Magnus blinked blankly.

“Uh, actually, I was thinking we should get high in Merle’s apartment? Because the powers are super trippy, and I don’t really know anybody else around here, and he seems like the kind of dude to have some good stuff.”

Only someone as stone-cold as Taako pretends to be could resist Magnus’ puppy eyes.

Next thing Taako knew, he was sauntering out of his old apartment, all his stuff packed up in a U-haul and shipped off to Merle’s apartment. Magnus had quite a bit saved away, enough to cover rent for the first few months. 

It was weird how easy they fit in together. Magnus was loud and boisterous, but he was kind and knew how to fix shit. (There were times he got a little too quiet, times where he would hide inside his room and stare at his not-super-well hidden pictures of a tall, curly-haired woman laughing at the camera.) Merle was high, like, constantly, but he was always shared and gave the best advice. (‘I was married once,’ he chuckled at the dinner table on a late Saturday night, drunk off his ass. He said nothing the next morning.) Taako insisted he couldn’t stand the pair, but he always knew just what to order for them every time they got take out and had their coffee orders memorized by heart. (He never went near the kitchen. The other two learned not to ask him about it.) The powers were still taking time to get used to, of course. But Merle was learning to use the vines like a second pair of hands, and Magnus wasn’t breaking everything he touched, and Taako finally turned his phone back after it sat in the freezer for two weeks.

“Hey guys!” Merle sang, tromping into the room, a whirlwind of leaves and flora. He slammed a paper on the table. “We’re going out tonight! The bar down the street, 9:00, tonight. I got us a gig!”

“Who’s Gundren Rockseeker?” Magnus squinted at the crumpled placemat. “Isn’t that your cousin?”

“Yep. Says he needs some people to move some of his stuff to that new town, Phandalin. He has some shit for a new weapons development program he’s a part of there, and he needs some capable people to be discreet and fast and a little bit off the books to transport it.” Taako gestured from his mismatched eyes to his metallic heels.

“Um, capable, fast, off the books? That we can do. But discreet? Gramps, you’ve met me, right?” Taako turned up his nose at the notion, even as a branch smacks his arm.

“Discreet as in not going around and blabbering about the goods we carried, you drama queen.” The vines snapped around Merle as he talked. 

“So? Are we taking the job or not?” Magnus looked around the room, hope in his eyes. Taako knew he hadn’t been having much luck at getting a job. None of them had. 

“I don’t know. This sounds pretty risky. What’s the pay?” Merle smirked and slipped them a post-it note. 

A beat of silence.

“Well, fuck me. What am I supposed to do, say no?”


	2. Here There Be Mob Bosses: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merle's cousin is a lot sketchier than they thought. And his bodyguard's pretty weird too.

Mangus was bored.

Objectively, this adventure ticked all the boxes. Shady employer, dangerous weapons, good friends, superpowers, etc. Two shady guys, actually. Gundren had said something about a bodyguard of his he hired, Barry... whatever, and he was super sketch. So this should have been fun, right? In reality, he was sitting in a van for six hours, driving to some random town surrounded in empty coffee cups and McDonald's burger wrappers listening to Merle and Taako bicker about everything. Usually he'd be totally down to join in on that sweet, sweet banter, but he was running on cold fries and shitty caffeine and the bombs in the back of the truck reminded him far too much of a certain shitty governor. In an attempt to distract himself from... that, he slowly tuned himself back to where Taako was mocking Merle about something.

"Don't come in dad, I'm studying my bible-- Oh, Mags, you're back from dreamland. How're you doing, bud? Want Merle to relieve you of your post so you can get some z's in?"

"Hey! I never said I was offering! If you're so worried, you do it!"

"I'm gay, I can't drive. Also, Taako doesn't 'worry'." Magnus fought back a fond smile. For all his aloofness, Taako had a tendency to fuss over everyone.

"It's fine, Taako. Also, even if you two wanted to, I'm literally the only one of us with a driver's license." 

"Please, if we get stopped by the police I think that would be the least of our problems. We're carrying half a lab's worth of explosives in the back of our truck." Magnus pulled onto a back road, hazily watching the headlights flash over the dust.

"I mean, yeah, you have a poi--" He stopped the car with a screech, blood gone cold. "Merle? Is that Gundren's car?" he choked out. Merle fumbled for his glasses, squinting across the way.

"Oh no. Oh shit, yeah." In short, the car was absolutely wrecked. Not all crushed like it got wrecked itself, but windows cracked in, paint torn up, doors dented and hanging off. Almost like...

"They were attacked," Magnus breathed. Now, this was interesting. Then he caught a flash out of the corner of his eye. He dove to the back, yelling "Duck!" just as the bullets crashed in through the window. Using his hulk to block Taako and Merle from the shattering glass, he inched them into a corner. Thankfully, the explosives and shit were all locked up and safe. The rush of adrenaline sent his brain racing, a near-manic smile growing on his face. Man, this brought him back to his Raven's Roost days. As their car shook from the impact, he turned to the other two boys. Usually, in this sort of situation, Magnus would have to deal with screaming victims. But Taako looked like he was having the same adrenaline high as Magnus was and Merle just looking determined. "So what's the plan?!" he shouted over the spray of bullets. Taako's eyes glinted dangerously, hands glowing ever so imperceptibly in the dark.

"Let's fuck shit up." He slipped out of the car before Magnus could blink. Magnus barrelled out of the car after him, yelling at him to wait, but then there was a clinking sound and shouting. Taako reappeared next to him, smirking as two icy figures shattered to the ground in front of them. 

The other two people whirled on them, but before they could fully turn around, they were lost in a tangle of vines. Sensing someone behind him, Magnus grabbed the first thing he could out of the van and spun around. The ax went straight through the dude like a hot knife through... water, leaving him sliced nearly in half. Oh. He still wasn't quite used to having super-strength yet. When he turned back around, the people in the vines were strewn on the ground. There was silence for a moment, then something whizzed right by his face and straight into the snow, spluttering out. Magnus sighed and tossed the silver axe towards the source of the faulty missile. There was a yell, a thump, and then silence. For a second, the only sound was their panting hanging heavy in the night air.

"So," Taako wheezed out. "Are we looting, or what?"

They sorted through the wreckage, kicking the bodies haphazardly aside. Magnus clambered back from where he had thrown the ax. It was a good axe, shiny and tough, hard for even him to bend.

"You guys seem to have experience with combat," he started. Taako shrugged from where he was pushing around ice shards with his foot.

"I've picked some stuff up here and there." Merle was wiping off his glasses on one of the unconscious men's shirt.

"Same here, I guess. What about you, kid?" Magnus swallowed thickly. He saw the inside of a mask, the governer's face taunting him as he ran through the front lines, a masked woman running in beside him.

"Uh, well I--" 

"Hey guys, I think I found something!" Magnus tried not to be so relieved as Taako ran over holding a few torn up pieces of paper. "Someone stole their Mapquest directions, I think. Jesus, who still uses Mapquest? Like, get a GPS or something." He tossed the dirty scraps at Magnus to investigate and sauntered off again. "Oh, also, I found the direction they took him in."

Merle frowned at the giant pathway through the woods.

"This sees a little... obvious." The trail of broken branches and shredded trees led over to the shady warehouse nearby. "We can all agree that they got kidnapped, right?"

"Yeup."

"No duh." They were silent again.

"So we should probably rescue him, right?"

"I don't know. Will we still get paid if he dies?"

"No, I don't think so." Taako sighed laboriously, pocketing the last wallet and heading back to the car.

"Alright, let's go."

\---------------------------------------

The three of them, each with their own makeshift mask, stumbled down the hill. Merle looked a bit silly, all stout and half-covered by his mask. Magnus looked a bit better, the torn-up beanie and axe hanging off of his waist making him look less goofy and more dangerous. Taako definitely pulled it off the best, though. Somehow he had changed his whole outfit in the two minutes they took to prep, wearing something that was almost like a catsuit of sorts and a masquerade-esque mask that effectively covered his face and made him look great at the same time.

He was definitely better at sneaking than the other two were as well. Magnus was a hulking mass that couldn't help bumping into every rock and branch and tree, and Merle was just... loud. Taako seemed to slip between the shadows almost silently. Like, he was so good that Magnus wondered if he had two superpowers for a second. He was so good that Merle and him actually lost sight of him. Now they were just lost. Hey, after a while all the trees tend to look the same, you know? When he had finally decided to turn back, Taako's voice whispered from behind him.

"Hey idiots, I-- stop screaming Magnus, it's just me. I found a side entrance." They followed him off of the trail to what looked like a sewer entrance, the grate already turned into some sort of brittle caramel lattice. After a bit of sticky smashing, they slipped through the dripping tunnel. Dark, dank, everything you'd think a sewer would be. After what felt like hours, Taako finally grabbed them and pushed them against the wall, eyes wide.

"Hey!" Magnus yelled on instinct, oblivious to Taako's desperate shushing. There was a giant booming sound, and floodlights slammed onto where they were just standing. Someone yelled something in another language, maybe French? Taako clamped hands over both of his companions mouths, pressing them tighter against the wall. Then, to Magnus' surprise, he responded back in the same language. The other man sounded hostile at first, then a little confused. Taako just kept on talking on, wincing as the other man's voice grew hostile again. Then the man shouted something and there was the undeniable sound of running water. 

"Shit shit shit shit get out of the way get out of the way get out of the way get out of the way--" Taako scrambled up the wall, softening bits up the wall for hand-holds. Magnus and Merle rushed back into the floodlights. There was a man sitting on an overpass over the normal sewer pathway, pointing the lights at the group. Taako scaled the wall up beside him, flicking him as he passed and turning part of his shoulder into ice. 

"Taako, what's going o--" Magnus didn't see the wave coming until too late. He was swept back and thrown against the concrete wall, knocking his head against it with a dull thud. He kept his eyes and mouth closed as the murky water rushed by, a little swirling up into his nose. After a few crushing seconds, the pressure was gone and he was wet and limp against the floor. Coughing up the shitty water, he took a blind shot at the guy with a gun he knicked off of their previous assailants. There was a groan and a splash, so he could only assume he hit something vital. Merle was next to him, waxy leaves unfolding from around him as he slumped back against the wall.

"I'm all good! Don't worry about me!" Taako shouted from the overpass, perfectly dry. Magnus retched more sewer water out of his lungs.

\-------------------------------------

After Taako shouted more French (French? Maybe French? Definitely French) up the way, he helped the other two up. 

"I didn't know you knew French, Taako." His responding shrug was a little too nonchalant.

"I dabble. Hey, this way smells like they're cooking up some killer steak. Wanna go check it out?" He pointed over to the metal door that had the smell of something delicious wafting out of it. Taako peeked through a crack in the door, scanning the room. "Alright, here's the dealio. It's like a break room, you know? Someone's cooking something on the stove that smells really choice, and like, two of them are hanging with him. And on the other side of the room is two other goons with a beat-up dude that looks like Tom Arnold. I'm pretty sure that's the super sketch bodyguard Gundren hired, Barry or whatever. So. What's the plan?"

Long story short, the plan did not work. Well, most of the guys in the room were down, but this one jackass was holding a gun to Tom Arnold Dude's head and talking about some sketch negotiation. For a guy that claimed to have gone to Harvard, his plan was disappointingly transparent. Taako was still complaining about it as they walked out of the door, off to kill the dude's shitty boss, some guy named Klaarg.


	3. Here There Be Mob Bosses: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys fight a spider and find a name.

          Taako raced out of the room at full speed, followed by the sound of gunshots and the lingering smell of tea and dragging an unconscious Barry. He threw him at Magnus, who was currently playing with Klaarg’s dog.          

“We needed to go, like, yesterday! Hurry your asses up!” Magnus hauled Merle and Barry over his shoulder and started to run, closely followed by Taako.

          “I thought it was going well!” Magnus shouted. Taako had elected himself ‘the only one with any sort of tact’ and insisted he went in alone. The Yeemick dude was merced in the other room by some more goons, and they had dragged Barry back to the other room, so they thought he was doing pretty okay.

          “It was!” Taako shouted back, adjusting his bulging pockets so the stuff spilling out of them wasn’t super obvious.

          They managed to make it out alright, hiding out in the woods with the help of Merle. As they waited out the last of the guards from behind the curtain of leaves, Magnus whirled on Taako.

          “What happened in there?”

          “Whatever, I found out what happened to Gundren,’ Taako breezed right past the question, sitting down next to Barry to begin reviving him. “Klaarg and the boys were contracted to kidnap him and arrange for his pickup by some thug named the Black Spider. No one knows much about him though, so there’s that.” Magnus sighed.

          “Aw man, he’s going to take  _ forever  _ to find. You really don’t know anything else?” As if on cue, Barry gasped awake just then.

          “I know where Gundren is.”

-

          The strange group settled on a popular bar in Phandalin. Thankfully, this budding metropolis had plenty of other weirdos, so no one paid attention to them as they collapsed in a corner booth. Barry was staring down his drink when Taako finally got impatient. He thought this was going to be a quick job, but now there are mafia bosses and kidnappings and all that boring shit.

          “So, you said you knew what happened to my paycheck, Barold?” Barry flinched at the nickname, then turned and began rustling through his backpack. After a few awkward minutes, he finally emerged with a few loose leaf papers and began arranging them on the table. It was the stolen MapQuest pages. Taako groaned.

          “Yup, exposition time!” Without another word, he deftly grabbed Merle’s hand, pricked his finger, then pressed the bleeding extremity to the page. 

          “Hey! What the--” Before he could finish cussing the poor dude out, the papers began to hum and shimmer, seemingly melting together. The result was akin to a sleeker, thinner tablet, lines and letters tracing across the screen to form a map. “--fuck,” Merle finished weakly. Taako scoffed, over exaggerating just how unimpressed he was. 

          “Okay, so the shitty fake GPS turns into fancy GPS, where’s the boss man?” 

          “Taako!” Magnus chastises, but Barry simply frowned.

          “It’s not just ‘fancy GPS’. See, Gundren really does work for Phandalin weaponry, but he’s not just here to deliver some explosives. His father worked at this company as a scientist, a lot of promise too, but he dabbled in some sketchy shit. Apparently, some of his research was way too powerful, so he had to lock it away in the Wave Echo facility. He made it so that anyone who didn’t have access to quite a bit of his or a close relative's fresh DNA can’t get in. This pad just needs a single drop of blood and it’ll give you a map, a guide, and unlock a few doors. Thankfully, this Black Spider guy didn’t get it, but unfortunately, he got Gundren. And from what I heard, the weapons in there got the firepower of a couple nukes.” Magnus frowned, squaring his jaw.

          “That’s a lot of power that we can’t let fall into the wrong hands.” Barry coughed into his beer.

          “Uh, yeah. Also, it would destroy my career. I mean, who’d want to hire a bodyguard who’s last charge got kidnapped? That’s like going to a chef’s restaurant knowing that they poisoned the last customers.” Taako took an especially aggressive sip from his obnoxiously colored drink. 

          “Since it’s so important to you, I’d think you were going with us, Barold.” The man let out a nervous laugh that was a bit weird coming from a supposed mercenary. 

          “Well, uh, I’m beaten half to hell, so no. I’m going to finish my drink and then sleep forever, actually. And also,” he leaned across the table to shake his hand revealing a sensible pair of denim slacks, “It’s not Barold. It’s Barry. Barry Bluejeans.”

-

          After a nice little traveling montage, they arrived at an unassuming building a little ways out of town. It seemed pretty abandoned, bits crumbling with disuse here and there. Merle’s sour mood was only made worse when, just a few paces through the door, a corpse laid strewn on the ground.

          “Aw shit, is that… Fuck, it is. Tharden.” Even through his ridiculous mask, it was easy to tell that Merle was having trouble keeping a stiff upper lip. “Sorry guys, it-it’s just my cousin. Didn’t even like him much anyways.” As Magnus comforted him by the door, Taako slipped over to the body to search it for valuables. There wasn’t much on the poor man besides a pair of boots that, upon closer inspection, seemed to have been technologically enhanced. Taako slipped them to Magnus as they started through the building (“I’m not much of a cardio guy myself, you’ll get much better use of them,”). The next doorway led them down a narrow staircase. Merle frowned at Magnus’ feet.

          “Those new shoes? Looks like the pair I got Tharden for Christmas last year.” Magnus chuckled guiltily.

          “Uh, small world, huh?” 

          After a lot of other adventure shenanigans including but not limited to: Jerk-Off hall, shrooms, another of Merle’s dead cousins, Taako robbing another corpse, elevators, and a four-hour-long Tunnel of Terrible Small Talk. At the end of this torture, they ended up in a cavernous sort of room, sweepingly tall ceiling draped with chains that apparently seemed to serve no other purpose other than a baller aesthetic. In the middle of the room there sat a giant contraption that looked like a mix between a woodchipper, the furnace from Home Alone, and a torture machine, rusting away in the corner. Across the room, a door atop a ledge was violently kicked open. A young woman barged through, holding a ridiculously big gun. She was heavy-set, thick ropes of muscle underneath her Kevlar get-up. Tan skin and black hair peeked out from behind her helmet and goggles. She looked down at the boys, already seeming annoyed.

          “Hail and well met!” Magnus shouted cheerily. Taako smacked his arm.

          “‘Hail and well met’? What are you doing, playing DnD?” The woman did not seem to find any of their antics amusing.

          “Aw shit. Uh, shut up for a quick second. I don’t really have  _ time _ to kill you guys today, too busy saving the world, and I don’t like a lot of collateral damage. But I can’t have you guys messing up my mission, it’s, like, really important.” Taako enthusiastically raised his hand.

          “I say we put it to a vote! All in favor of not dying by this nice woman’s hand s--”

          “Are you here for the  **ASSHHHKXSRNKXXX** ?” Her words were cut off by a sharp static noise that made their heads spin. A beat of silence.

          “Uh, no, we are not here for the shaxs-ruhn-kicks!” Merle said, almost proudly. She was not impressed.

          “The good news is I’m not going to kill you… directly. The bad news is I can’t have you following me so Louise is going to step in for a bit.” As she talked, she typed furiously on a little screen that sat atop her wrist. With a beep, a small silver laser shot out of it straight into the machine next to them. “Thank god that scrap heap was hackable,” she muttered as she left the room. Beside them, ‘Louise’ creaked and clattered a bit, little groaning noises, before a growl was ripped from its center and it sprang to life. Its jaw creaked open, revealing a hundred or so whirling blades all spinning and clattering and sparking threateningly. With a roar it began to chase them about the room, Hungry Hippo-style. The chains rattled across the ceiling, a few falling and narrowly missing the trio. Taako dodged a few, just to almost stumble into the jaws of Louise. He snapped. 

          Diving across the room with surprising agility, he held out his already-glowing hands in front of him, bringing them together for a thunderous clap. Nothing happened for a moment. Then Louise was thrown against the wall with a violent crash, falling to the floor in a sputtering mess of gears. Magnus and Merle stared in awe, and Taako preened.

          “How did you do that?” Taako flipped his hair, way too smug.

          “Well, I just transmuted some of the air molecules around me, used the kinetic en--”

          “Okay, we get it, boring science junk. Now, to finish it off!” With the help of both his enhancement boots and powers, Magnus shot up to the ceiling almost effortlessly, grabbing chains. With a very unnecessary flip, he tossed the chains into the open mouth of Louise. Rusted metal grinded against steel, and Louise sputtered into silence. Then it gave horrid groan, and Magnus picked up a table as a makeshift shield just as the debris started flying from the resulting explosion. Magnus started to wrap the chains around his arms, something about it looking ‘cool’, and Taako started up to the door.

          “Uh, help?!” The woman’s voice echoed down the hall.

          “Eat a big’un!” Taako fired back without a thought. 

          “Uh, really? Reall- I could actually use a hand, you guys!” Magnus, the last up the ladder, bounds down the hall. Merle sighs and waddles after him. Watching the two of them walk past, Taako just sits on the floor like a petulant child and primps in a little compact mirror.

          Magnus bursts into what seems like a trash room that hadn’t been used for a long time. The woman is tied to the wall adjacent to him, supremely miffed as a tall silhouette points something threateningly at her. In the middle of the room was a gaping hole that probably led to the furnace, on the edge of which Gundren laid looking very worse for wear. The silhouette turned to him, seemingly delighted. 

          “Oh, vhat a fantastic development! Ve haff guests, my dear! How exciting!” That was weird enough for Taako to join the other two, racing in just as Merle finished his laborious walk over. As he walked in, the man stepped out from the shadows, revealing long, white hair, almost too much leather, and a draping dress with a white spider design across the front.

          “My good man, I can’t tell you amazing it is to finally meet someone that talks normally!” Taako drawls.

          “Oh, your voice is like a song!” the man coos. The other two looked between the pair, speechless. It was unnerving how alike the two sounded, barring the horrid affected accent that their foe had. “I suppose no introduction is necessary, as my reputation precedes me. Also my spider dress.” Blank stares. He sighed, aggressively pointing at the front of his shirt. “I’m ze Black Spider, dear.” Magnus gasped dramatically, and Taako rolled his eyes. 

          “Thank you, darling. You can do whatever with that woman, but we kind of need Gundren, so if you could just give him back that would be ideal.” Taako punctuated that with a saucy wink that Black Spider reciprocated.

          “Of course, dear, I’ll just need a bit more of his blood, zat is all.” Merle violently shook his head at Taako from behind Black Spider’s back.

          “Uh, no offense, but that dude’s about to drop. Listen, Black Spi-- Ugh, is there any other handle you got? Black Spider doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.” He smiled borderline flirtatiously, mentally screaming at the other two boys not to screw this up.

          “Brian vith an I, dear. Now, I’ve been vundering this for a bit… How, exactly, ze fuck did you learn about zis cave?”

          “Well, it all started when I was on Craigslist--”

          “Vell, zat’s utter bullshit. I zink you are here for ze  **SSHHXXSRNKXX.”** The static rang out again, scratching in the back of their skulls. Taako rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on.

          “Brian, dear, can you explain why we’re just hearing st--”

          “Screw the kshrxks! I want my cousin!” Without another word, Magnus and Merle both dive at the man, who grabs a green remote from his pocket and presses an ominous red button. In a cloud of smoke, a tangle of gunmetal black joints unfold and fold on themselves, blooming into a giant, mechanical spider. Magnus steps back the smallest bit.

          “Uh, did I mention that I’m not the best with spiders?” Magnus’ voice cracks embarrassingly as the creature loomed over him.

          With a defeated sigh, Taako walks over to where the woman is tied up and turns the rope into a paper chain. 

          “So, what’s your name?” The woman bursts out of the chains with a roar.

          “Killian. You dumbos have powers? I haven’t seen you on the  **KSHKXXKS** .” Taako stared blankly at her for a second. “Never mind. Now, give me something to bash in that black spider?” Taako looks up in alarm.

          “Do you mean the black spider or the Black Spider? Actually, just call the human one Brian!” As he yells Brian, the mechanical spider turns toward him, cocking its head almost curiously. 

          “Did I mention his name is Bryan vith a Y?” Taako lets out a frustrated groan. Killian is already typing frantically on her wrist-screen, pointing it around the empty room. Finally, one of the beams catches in a small crack in the wall. A tremendous banging sound rings out from behind the metal panel, but it holds fast. 

          Taako was on the other side of the room, firing little beams of light out of his fingertips and desperately thinking of how to make them less… well, pathetic. Human Brian laughed as they fizzled on his armor harmlessly, pulling out an obnoxiously large taser gun. 

          “Powers, hm? Very interesting dear, but I zink  _ zis _ is vhat you are trying to do.” Taako doesn’t dodge out of the way quite fast enough, and the bolts catch him in the shoulder and send him flying into a limp heap on the floor. Across the room, Magnus wasn’t faring much better. The spider skittered towards him, and his fear-heavy limbs didn’t move quick enough to keep his arm out of the spider’s jaw. Bryan loomed over Magnus, mechanical jaws clacking threateningly  _ far _ too close for comfort. 

          “By the hoary hordes of Hogarth!” From across the room, Merle threw his hand out to where the metal panel was, guiding the vines twisting around him to pry it off of the wall. Not a second after he had done that, something that looked like a bipedal tractor with jackhammers for arms charged right out and straight through Bryan, sending them both flying into the furnace pit. The furnace wasn’t in use, but the fall was long enough that once they reached the bottom the two were indistinguishable in the mess. 

          “No! Brian-vith-a-Y! He vas my favorite spider boy!” Brian wailed. Merle looked around for Killian, but she was already gone, searching for her weaponry. Magnus, in the meantime, was working to waken Taako. His eyes fluttered open after a few harsh slaps, and there was only a moment where he stared blearily up at his friend before he was batting away at his hands and holding his own glowing one to his wound. There was an uncomfortable squelching noise, but Taako’s wound scabbed over before smoothing out, and he sat up with bright eyes.

          “Let’s hope I didn’t turn any important bodily fluids into adrenaline. Now, for you.” He turned on the distraught Brian, eyes gleaming dangerously as he furiously rubbed his hands together. “I must thank you for using that lovely little gun of yours. It gave me just the insight I needed to figure out how to do this.” His hands were glowing furiously now, energy crackling in the air around him and blowing his hair and robe back dramatically.

          “Do vhat?” Taako stood back, pointing one radiant finger gun almost lazily at the man.

          “Abra-ca-FUCK- _ YOU _ !” A burst of light shot from his hand and hit Brian straight in the chest, sending him flying back and burning the front of his shirt until the spider insignia was indistinguishable. Taako smirked, eyes half-lidded and gleeful.

          “Now, vas that really original?” Brian wheezed out. Taako didn’t look up from where he was smugly picking at his nails.

          “Oh, were you waiting for me? Sorry darling, I already said my one cool thing.” Brian gave the three of them a bloody smile.

          “Vell, it seems as if I haff vone more trick up my sle--” Magnus nudged the weakened man into the furnace pit beside him and went to join Merle, who was tending to his cousin’s wounds. “Oh noooo! You’ve solved my final riddle! You are ze true riddle masters!” They all ignored the man as his voice slowly faded. “You haff proven yourselves… qvite ze adventurers... “ There was a sickening crack, then a groan echoed weakly from the bottom of the pit. “Oh, I haff landed on Brian… Brian, I’m so proud of zem…” Without even looking, Taako snapped his fingers and sent another bolt down the pit, which was followed by another groan. “Zat’s very bad news…” And with that, the man gave up the ghost.

          Killian then returned, clutching her gun protectively. She stared in awe at the wreckage of their fight.

          “Wow. You guys, like, actually pulled it off. No joke, I am flabbergasted that we have not all perished by horrid causes yet.” She fiddled a bit with her boots, which hissed and picked her up a bit off the ground, then jumped down the pit. “I have to, uh, retrieve some stuff, so stay put, but  _ wow _ . Like, amazing competence, you guys!” As she disappeared down the pit, a bedraggled Gundren slowly got to his feet.

          “Where’s Barry?” he grumbled. Merle helped him steady himself.

          “Back at a bar in Phandalin. Something about buffalo wings. Now, care to tell us what the hell is going on?” Gundren ignored him and started off to where the metal panel was ripped out of the wall. As the boys followed him, they found what seemed to be a secret passage tucked away behind it. Down yet another corridor, there was another cavernous room, empty besides the giant safe door on the other side. Merle and Gundren went straight to it.

          “So, uh, powers, huh?”

          “Yup. Crazy, right?”

          “Sure, sure. What’s with the dumb masks? I mean, the other two look fine, actually, you just look stupid.”

          “Wow, thanks. Uh, ran into some… riskier trouble a bit back.” The two cousins made small talk as they examined the safe’s mechanics. Taako, glancing around the room, realized it wasn’t as empty as it first seemed.

          There was a figure slumped against the far wall, draped in a red costume, the handle of a cane peeking out between skeletal hands. The wood was carved into the shape of a bird’s head, one with sleek feathers and fiery eyes. Merle was the next to see it, waddling over and grabbing it all foolhardy-like.

          Magnus barely had time to get annoyed (“Rushing in is  _ my _ thing!”) before there was a flash and Merle was on the other side of the room, the smell of smoke lingering in all their mouths. Magnus rushed to help his friend up, but Taako stayed by the corpse. Usually, he would wave it off and call it a day, not his problem and all, but there was… something. His palms were itching again, like when he met Magnus and Merle, but that wasn’t it. Seeing it made his whole world make sense and go static at the same time. Like it filled in the gaps of a puzzle when he thought he already had the whole picture. So he reached out and grabbed it. 

          Everything went white. Everyone in the room was pushed back by an indistinguishable force that burned the back of their throats. Taako felt  _ powerful _ , felt that something course through his veins. And then it abruptly stopped, and he was holding an umbrella over his head. Nice material, black with little golden designs tracing across, golden charms hanging off the edges. 

          “It would match much better if it was purple,” he muttered to himself. But as he reached a glowing hand to change it, he suddenly felt uncomfortably warm. It was almost like the black of the umbrella was sucking the light out from under his skin. Beside him, the corpse crumbled into a pile of dust, and a hollow feeling panged in his chest.

          “What was that-- with the umbrella and the-- You guys are crazy, man!” Taako swallowed the lump in his throat and replaced his mask of indifference.

          “Well, yes. This is how we do. “ Gundren sighs, a bit defeated.

          “I suppose you guys deserve some answers, huh?” Magnus pulled himself up to his full six-and-a-half feet, looking quite intimidating.

          “Damn right we do. And don’t try any funny business either,” Magnus growled.

          “Well, I don’t think I could. Not with fuckin’, Polygraph Merle over here.” He jabbed a finger at Merle, who was currently retying the flowers in his hair. Taako snorted, and Merle slowly turned to him. He fixed the poor dude with a hard stare that didn’t match his otherwise friendly countenance, and after a few seconds of fidgeting Taako burst.

          “I stole shit! So much shit! Klaarg’s lair, your dead cousins, Magnus’ shoes are Tharden’s I stole them!” Merle turned around, a sympathetic look on his face.

          “Oh, uh, I almost forgot to tell you. Tharden’s dead. So is Nundro.”

          “I don’t care, they were morons anyways,” he muttered darkly. Merle froze. “You wanted those answers, right? Well, here they are. When I was first born, this town was overrun by some government bogeys looking to get rich. My father was getting in the way of that, so when they found out about the work he was doing, they jumped on it. They knew if they ratted him out, the government would undoubtedly take all his hard work for their own and  _ they _ would get all the credit. So he went dark, locked himself in this hidden lab to save his work.” As he talked, a manic smile grew on his face. “This lab contains my father’s work. All of it. I can finally give my father the respect he  _ deserved _ for his work! Tharden and Nundro are dead, huh? Well, then that means  _ we _ are the last living people that can get in this safe, Merle! We can save my father’s legacy!” 

          With that, he sliced across his palm and slammed it onto the safe. Gears started turning across the wall, and with a heavy groan, the door swung open. It was pitch black. 

          Something wasn’t right.

          “Anyone got a light?” Merle’s hand snaked with bioluminescent vines, providing a soft green glow to the room. Taako bent down, tapping at his reflection on the floor.

          “Pure black glass.” As he stood up, he realized the room was completely empty, save for a single figure in the corner. He was charred, a little taller than Gundren, but undeniably similar in looks. He was bent over something in the corner, arms held out as if he was carrying something. Gundren looked around frantically.

          “No, no, no,  _ no _ !! What is this? Wh-Where is everything?” He finally noticed the figure, and, rushing up to it, froze.

          “That’s him. That’s my pops right there. Oh god, what  _ happened _ ?” There was the sound of something breaking, and they all turned to the doorway.

          “What. Did. I.  _ Tell _ . You.” Black glass crunched under her boots as she walked toward the trio. “I was gone for like, a minute and a half! Tops!  _ Why _ did you not  _ listen to me _ ?” Gundren watched her warily from the corner. 

          “Are you guys here with this filthy government  _ bogey _ ?” Taako and Magnus both stepped back a bit, making various offended noises, but Killian just squared herself.

          “Did you just call me filthy, dude?”

          “Everything here is my birthright and I need you to  _ get out _ .”

          “Listen, I’ve had a really long day, I got tied up in the other room, so let me give you some advice. Don’t. Test. Me.”

          “Boys, you’ve done a real god job today, but I’ll need one more thing. Take her out.” Killian drew up her gun, holding a defensive stance.

          “Hold up! No one’s taking out anybody!” Magnus stood between the two, holding his arms out defensively. “Gundren, what do you know about what happened here?”

          “Nothing, but I--”

          “Killian, do you know?”

          “I have a pretty good goddamn idea, yeah.” She still didn’t move, training her gun on Gundren. “Everyone step away. Gundren,  _ calm down _ .” The man in question stepped back, grazing his father’s charred body with a single hand. Suddenly, a gruff voice echoed through the chamber.

          “Gundren. If you are hearing this, that means you have found my lab. It also means that I have perished. You are probably wondering where my life’s work is, as this room is empty. My life’s work is you, son. You contain powers so unbelievable that I could not give you up. I had to send you away, you were just a baby and you could not control anything. But you can control it now, I’m sure. Find the fire in yourself, child. Make me proud.” The room went silent. Gundren looked down at his hands.

          The air around him began to shimmer with heat, his veins glowing warm. Killian drew up her gun again.

          “Gundren. Stop now. I know people that can help you.”

          “ **I don’t** **_need_ ** **to be helped!** ” The air around him crackled as he burst into flames, eyes rolling into the back of his head. “ **This power is MINE!** ” Killian fired a few shots into the fiery figure, grabbing the boys.

          “Everyone, we need to go--” They were all thrown down by an overwhelming wave of heat as Gundren flew above them and straight through the walls of the facility. The group was left smoldering, Magnus with the worst of it. While his friends helped him up, Killian looked out to where Gundren escaped. “Well, welcome to the worst case scenario, guys.” 

          “I almost ha--”

          “Listen.” Killian got up, and none of them really appreciated how intimidating she was until she rose to her full height. “I have to stop him before he destroys the whole world. I know this is way above your pay grade, but you guys seem to be the best chance I’ve got at stopping him. Are you down?” Taako sighed as obnoxiously as he could.

          “Fine. Whatever.”

-

          Thankfully, Gundren had left a horrid burnt scar on the earth wherever he flew, so it was pretty easy to follow in Killian’s super sweet armored SUV. The trail was short, led them right back to Phandalin, and with a bit of speeding they got there in about an hour. The trail led straight through town, where people were already running and screaming from the burning bar. Screaming civilians swarmed the streets, and they saw a slightly charred Barry Bluejeans come stumbling out of the building.

          “How are you guys  _ not dead _ ? Have you  _ seen  _ Gundren?” Killian had Magnus in a headlock to ensure he wouldn’t rush in. 

          “This dude’s right. If we fight him now, we’ll lose. That’s just a given. We need him to calm down to I can take him to the private authorities. Do you think you guys can do that?” She didn’t wait for them to answer before she was typing something on her wrist. “You do that while I take care of the civilians. I need to disable their communication to outside this town to contain the situation.” The moment she turned her back, Magnus was pulling out his axe. The moment he unsheathed it, Gundren was bursting out of the building in a haze of smoke and flame.

          “ **Why would you attack me? I can finally show those slimy government dipshits exactly who they’re messing with!** ”

          “Gundren, Listen! You can’t control this! Look at yourself, this isn’t like you!” Magnus tries, still gripping his axe. That seemed to just feed Gundren’s fire. Oh god did that sound like an innuendo.

          “ **You don’t know what I’m like!”**

          “I do.” Merle walks out from where he was hiding, pulling off his mask. “Your old cousin Merle knows you. Gundren, remember those Christmases at Aunt Blarg’s house? Drinking mulled wine.”

          “I miss her so much.” Gundren’s flames seem to die down just a a bit, dampening as he looks wistfully at Merle.

          “She was a good woman,” Merle soothes.

          “She was a good woman…  **UNTIL SHE WAS KILLED BY THOSE GOVERNMENT ASS--** ” 

          “No she wasn’t! You and I both know it was a car accident! You just wanted someone to blame!” Gundren was burning up again, the flames licking at his own skin now, which was starting to sear and turn red. Merle’s face softened into something sadder. “Do you think she wanted this, Gundre? Would she want you to kill all these innocent people and burn yourself up doing it? I don’t think so. She loved you a lot, Gundren.” The fire started to die down, air turning a bit cooler.

          “I’m tired, Merle. It… it hurts.” His voice was weary, cracking under the weight of his wounds. 

          “Don’t you think it would feel a lot better if you got a little rest? Just calm down for me, Gundren, it’ll be okay.” Merle was so busy comforting his simmering cousin that he didn’t notice Barry sneaking up on him until it was too late. 

          “I got him!” Barry pounced on Gundren, holding him in a headlock. “Killian, now!” Gundren threw him off, sending him crashing into the next building before exploding into flames. The heat was suffocating, burning at their faces and roaring with a terrible noise. He wasn’t even humanoid anymore, just a swarm of pure light and heat so overpowering that it seemed to suck the oxygen right out of your lungs. 

          “Oh shit. Uh, follow me!” Killian screamed, grabbing the closest hand near her and sprinting to the old well they hadn’t gotten around to tearing out yet. Taako was running after her when he noticed the other two were still behind. Merle stared into the flames where his cousin was just standing, shell-shocked. Magnus was next to him, staring up at the wall of fire defiantly.

          “Magnus… we should go now,” Merle breathed, staring blankly into the fiery light. Magnus just widened his stance. 

          “I can’t let all these people die!” Was what he yelled before he rushed into the nearest burning building, using the mask on his head as a shitty attempt at filtration. Merle sighed and ran into another one, conjuring up a variation of some fire-resistant plants to curl into the buildings. 

          Then the fire started to get really bad, singing at their hair and growing too hot to breathe near  _ at all _ . Taako broke away from where Killian was hauling him into the well and ran back to where the fire was raging, searching for his friends.

          “Magnus! Merle! Where are you, you idiots!” He spotted them charging out of a building, half-dead, carrying another group out of the fire. Taako grabbed them, pulling them with surprising strength into the well Killian jumped down. A final wave of forced pushed them in, and as they fell down they saw fire streak across the sky above them with a horrifying bellow. Then they hit the bottom of the well, crashing into Killian and her padding at full speed. There they laid, bruised and singed at the bottom of the old well, embers raining down on them from above.

          “So, here we are,” Magnus grumbled, shifting so he wasn’t sitting on Killian anymore. Taako was sprawled out on top of him, Merle collapsed on his chest. “Boys, I think we kind of suck at this.” Taako snorted, and that seemed to break the tension laying heavy in the air. They all burst out laughing, delirious and in pain.

          “Magnus, can you climb this cobblestone?” Magnus was already tying rope around the four of them and attaching it to his back. 

          “Of course I can,” he snorted, and began scaling the wall. Taako tied the rope Magnus was holding under himself like a little swing, and Merle just let himself dangle from the waist. “Uh, when I said I could carry all of you, I thought you guys would try to help out a  _ little _ .”

          “Come on, isn’t your thing strength, big guy?” Taako asked, admiring the silver bracer on Killian’s forearm. It had a strange symbol on it, but it looked expensive. Wasn’t coming off, though.

          “It doesn’t matter anyways, we’re already at the to--” Magnus froze as he looked out of the top, hands slipping on the edge. Taako scrambled onto the wall with a jolt. “There’s nothing left.”

          “Look, I’ve had to leave towns before, it’s never unfixable. We’ll just take up a collection with some suckers an--” Taako stopped short as he stared at the scene before us. The three of them pulled themselves up, surveying the scene before them.

          Where Phandalin once was, there was just a perfect circle of pure black glass.

          A charred figure stood in the center of it, arm raised high and still smoldering just a bit. The atmosphere was completely blanketed with smoke, the smell laying bitter in the air. Stray embers floated through the reddened sky, glowing softly like some bloodied rendition of the night sky. They collapsed on the black glass, warmth still radiating off of it. The scene was beautiful in the most horrible way, the dying ember of a budding town. There was stirring beside them, and Killian sat up, surveying the scene with grim disappointment.

          “So I take it we didn’t save Phandalin?” The three boys turned to her. Magnus stood up eyes blazing as he held her weapon above her. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to need my gun.”

          “And I’m pretty sure that we could have done a lot more for Phandalin if we had known what the  _ fuck _ was going on!”

          “I can’t! I literally cannot tell you anything! Fine! You want the truth? Here!  **SKKRKXKKKKSHHHHSKXXXKKK** !” The static cut through the silence like a rusted chainsaw, ripping an ugly noise out of the pensive silence. She caught Gundren out of the corner of her eye, and they went wide. “Wait. Fucking… Your powers.”

          “Yes, it’s all very X-Men, what  _ about _ them?” She gestured around herself.

          “You guys aren’t on the  **KSHXKSS** , and yet you haven’t gone… well, you haven’t destroyed any cities, is what I’m saying. Okay, stay here, I need to tell  **KSSHKSSX** about this.” She plinked a bit away, fumbling with her phone. “Oh, uh, what’s your… group name? Like, the Justice League, the Avengers, what?”

-

          A woman was standing in her office, gazing out of the window and down on the earth.  _ I haven’t checked up on them lately, I should try to reach out.  _ There was a bright pinprick on one of the continents, then a small black circle. She sighed, looking much more tired than she would ever allow herself to be in public. She waited for a few minutes, then picked up her ringing phone.

          “What happened down there, Killian?”

          “We have all the powered people logged on the list, correct?”

          “Yes, what is it?”

          “What do we know about a vigilante group named… Tres Horny Boys?” The phone clattered to the floor. “Boss? Boss?” 

          Lucretia pressed her lips together with a teary smile.  _ Those idiots. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still origin story territory, there will probably be more kewl superhero shit later! Halfway through writing this I realized I hate writing action and cannot do it to save my life, but hey I'm already here so...  
> Sorry if there are any mistakes! My computer crashed three times while I was writing this, so I didn't have time to proofread. I hope you like it, and if you do, please put whatever the thing you do if you like something on ao3 (still don't know how to use this website). Thanks for all the nice comments! Hang out with me at escapistcatontheinternet.tumblr.com! Help me with my obsession with exclamation points!!!


	4. Space is Controlled By the Government

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Play with me! Play with me in SPAAAAAAAACE!

           The ‘Tres Horny Bois’ were, admittedly, a little strange. 

           When they destroyed a city, and they didn’t blink twice. Killian summoned a jet plane with her pretty bracelet, they couldn’t bring themselves to act surprised. When a nice dude in the front introduced himself as Avi and took a frighteningly conspicuous swig from his flask, they were only faintly nervous. But when the plane didn’t stop gaining speed, and didn’t stop gaining height, followed by a dizzying moment of darkness before they woke up in a white chamber and, oh, they’re in space? 

           Let’s just say that it was a good thing they supplied barf bags. 

           After the the boys finished vomiting with the help of Avi and his flask, they were brought out of the hangar into what seemed to be a quad. It was beautiful, patches of green grass interspersed with little pathways and giant domed buildings. The walls were covered in giant windows showing off the expanse of stars outside _just_ to hammer in the fact they were in space. When Killian finally brought them into one of the buildings and into an elevator, the small space and tinny jazz was almost a relief in how familiar it was. There was a man in there with them, curly hair and eyeliner, dressed like a K-pop star, carrying a load of what looked like compositions and a violin. As wigged out as they were, Magnus’ constant extroverted tendencies won out.

           “Hello! I’m Magnus, these are my friends Taako and Merle!” The man looked at him tiredly, before sighing and reluctantly taking his hand.

           “I’m Johann. You must be the new recruits.” His voice was cartoonishly droopy and despondent. After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Magnus piped up again.

           “So, what’s your job here, Johann?” The man sighed at the question. He seemed to sigh a lot. 

           “Nothing much. I’m just like, the best musician ever.” Before any of the boys could remark on his modesty, the elevator dinged and the doors slid open. “First floor, menswear. Just kidding.” The hall was lined with people in suits, all of which Johann ignored. The boys followed him to the only door at the end of the hall, guarded by the burliest looking of the guards. 

           It opened into a small-ish room, dark paneling and wiring covering the wall. In the center of the room there was a giant smudge of static, worse than the other ones. It was loud and protruded into their brains in a way that exacerbated any residual nausea from the jet. As the boys stumbled around, Johann just disappeared into the static, which was followed by the sound of clacking keys. Finally, he looked up at the trio. 

           “Okay, feeding time’s over. Just kidding. You guys ready for stuff to get weird?” From under the terrible migraine column of death, he brought a small tray. Three syringes were laid out onto it, each filled with a weird black liquid, suspiciously… glittery? “This isn’t going to be very fun, but I gotta warn you guys. Once you do this, there’s no going back.” 

           Magnus was already holding the syringe up to his arm, jabbing it in. Before anyone could say anything, the syringe was clattering to the floor and Magnus was frozen, face blank. For almost half a minute he stood there, eyes wide. 

           “Oh my god, you guys. I can remember  _ everything _ .” With far more caution than Magnus exhibited, Merle and Taako injected themselves. Two more syringes clattered to the floor.

           Killian was asking them if they were there for   _ The Phoenix Fire Ember. _ Human Brian was accusing them of being here on the orders of the Bureau of Balance. Even before that, months and years before that, they remembered a war. A war that no one ever knew what really started, one of carnage and blood that seemed like something you could never really forget. It was the kind of war where everyone lost someone. And then, in the middle of the room. In a glass chamber, there was what seemed to be a row of supercomputers, arranged to twist around the center of the room in a column that stretched up all the way to the top of the vaulted ceiling. Neon purple and blue flashed across the machines as they whirred, connecting it with little transparent wires that blinked with lights. The uncomfortable feeling disappeared with their revelations, leaving their heads inexplicably clearer.

           “You guys… good? Uh, Bureau of Balance. You guys hear that fine?” Johann asked, picking up the syringes and dumping them behind some desk.

           “All good, my man!” Taako said cheerily. 

           “My god, this is like a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream,” Merle murmured.

           “Cool, cool, swee-- What are you doing?” Magnus was kneeling in front of the supercomputers. “Plea-- Please stop, just, what  _ are  _  you doing?”

           “Bowing to your weird computer god.”

           “It’s no-- God, it’s not a god.”  Johann looked way too tired for this. “Listen, we call it the Void. We don’t  _ really _ know what it is, or where it like, came from, but it’s like this memory warping machine. Except it doesn’t seem to run on power or anything, but, like,  _ information _ . And when you put it in it just sort of… well, erases it. Unless, of course, you inject yourself with this chemical that messes with your brain and makes it cancel the signal.  My job is to keep it running by feeding it my compositions, or… whatever.” He seemed to get even  _ more _ bummed out, retreating back to a desk in the corner. “You guys should probably go see the Director.” 

           As they walked out the door, they passed by a man carrying what appeared to be a sheet of paper with a bunch of statistics on it. In bold, they saw the words  **PHANDALIN** and  **GUNDREN ROCKSEEKER** and  **BRIAN AND BRYAN** printed out. 

-

           The Director was intimidating, to say the least.

           They had entered the conference room to find her sitting at the head of a long, empty table. A window to her right showed off a gorgeous view of the earth below, the dark black standing out in the perfectly white room. The woman herself sat with all the grace of an ancient queen, lines on her face giving her a dignified look of experience. She had dark skin to contrast her stark white hair curling close to her scalp, and was clad in a silvery blue suit. A white oak staff with a twisted head leaned against the chair. 

           “Welcome, to the Bureau of Balance.” Her voice oozed gravitas. “Here, we pride ourselves in dealing with any of the numerous anomalies of the planet with absolute secrecy and precision. We take special care to record each and every one of the powered people on earth. So, when one of my top agents reported three, powerful,  _ sane _ powered people we have never heard of before, I was curious.” She pulled a few files out from under the table. “Magnus Burnsides, Merle Hitower Highchurch, erm,  _ Taako _ , we inexplicably have no records of any of you being powered. Would you like to explain?” 

           The propeller spins, yadda yadda yadda. On with the plot. “Hm. Very interesting. It seems that you three had a very rare case of latent powers. That amount of unused potential coming together must have sparked a reaction of some sort… very interesting. And the amount of control you have, so incredible. See, most of the people here have mild powers, like Killian with her strength enhancement, or Avi with his telescopic sight, or Johann with his sound-manipulation. Any and all other people with powers more extreme than that have gone mad. But you three… Definitely people we would be interested in working with.” The three exchanged looks.

           “You offering us a gig?”

           “I suppose that is exactly what I’m doing. Don’t worry, you’ll be paid handsomely and--” She stood up, surprisingly tall. “Well, before we get any farther, I would like the fragment, please.” The trio looked amongst themselves.

           “The… what?” As Taako said the words, something rattled warm in one of his many pockets. As he opened it, he saw what looked like a silver ember burning in his pocket. Except, it didn’t seem to be  _ burning _ anything, or fading out. 

           “Not all people get their powers naturally, you know. I suppose it flew to you after Gundren perished. Davenport!” A small-ish man in a nice suit with a twisty orange mustache came in, rolling in a cart with one covered platter and one empty one on it. “I’m impressed with you. Usually, if anyone gets that close, the thrall is too much for them. But you don’t seem affected at all.” Before Taako could reach into his pocket, Magnus held up a hand. 

           “Wait, why should we give you this thing? How do we know you aren’t going to use it, like Gundren?” Taako gave a strained laugh.

           “They’re  _ paying us _ , Magnus.” he whispered through clenched teeth. The Director just chuckled.

           “No, no, that’s a good concern. I assure you, the Bureau’s only intent is to destroy such things. I will tell you everything, I promise, but destroying the Phoenix Fire is our top priority. You can watch, if you like.” Magnus, who rolled high on perception, was sufficiently convinced. Taako plucked the ember up, feeling the heat burn at his fingers as he dropped it on one of the trays. “Pay the men for their hard work, please.”

           “Davenport, Davenport!” The man chimed happily, before uncovering the other platter. It had a slip of paper on it, a check. 

           A very, very big check. 

           Merle didn’t hold back his gleeful chuckle as he pocketed it. Magnus, ever the socialite, grinned at the Director.

           “What should we call you?” Something flashed across her face, but it was gone as soon as it came. 

           “Madam Director is fine. Now, would you like to watch the destruction of the fragment or…”

           “Yes, please.” They followed the Director as she led them down a passage behind her into what seemed to be a viewing chamber. Behind the glass, they could see Davenport sweep the ember into a sphere in the middle of the room, then leave to a control room behind it. “So, is he like a Pokemon? Can he only say his own name?” The look he got from the Director haunts him to this day. 

           There was a bright flash of light, and high-pitched whirring sound, then the sphere opened, empty save for an ashy powder at the bottom. After a few moments of silence, the Director turned to them.

           “So, you wanted to know about the Bureau?”

-

           The Director’s office was unsurprisingly orderly, papers in a neat stack on her desk, floor and walls free of dust. Behind her, there was a portrait of herself, which seemed a little narcissistic, but whatever. 

           “The Bureau of Balance was created when the wars had reached a disastrous peak. After I discovered the Void, I realized what a chance I had. See, not many people knew this, but the wars were caused by a band of powered people that refused to limit themselves. In the discovery of their powers, they created seven, uh, well, we call them fragments. They are little sparks of power that can give its wielder unimaginable powers. And with power like that, world conflict was only inevitable. At the cost of, well, their control. With the Void, I erased all knowledge of the wars, and the fragments, and the guild of powereds, who we called the Red Robes for their uniform.” Taako clutched the handle of his umbrella nervously. “This organization’s sole purpose is to find the seven fragments and destroy them. And the thing is, you three are the first to succeed.” Taako opened his mouth, but the Director cut him off. “We’ve been operational for less than a year, so I’d stop right there, Taako. You guys are good, but not good enough to get away with that with your jobs.” His jaw shut with an audible click. “We’ve sent operatives down there to retrieve them before, but the thrall of it was always too strong and someone ends up getting… well, let’s just say that Brian worked here once.” There was a moment of silence as they all tried their best to ignore the wedding invitation the Director was throwing into the waste bin. “The only other person we found not immediately drawn to the fragments besides you three is Davenport and, well, I’m sure you can see he’s not fit for any field work.”

           “So, when do we start? Do we get those cool SWAT outfits or what?” Merle asked. The Director smiled.

           “Actually, circumstances are a bit different with you. What we usually do is erase Bureau workers using the Void and house them up here, but that comes with… challenges, to say the least. Trying to save the world is only made more complicated with having to keep unseen, and Johann can only compose so much, talented or not. We’ve already erased the Phandalin issue, but, well, you three were filmed. You’re, how do you say it? Trending?” Taako already had his phone out, scrolling through social media. Videos of the three of them (masked, of course) saving the people,  _ using their powers _ , were blowing up everywhere.

           “Oh, thank god I have the gift that is my visage, or I would look like those sweaty bozos-- Wait, you  _ aren’t _ erasing this?” Headlines were screaming:  **SUPERPOWERS: ARE THEY REAL?** The majority of them were skeptics, but the makings of a smile crept onto the Director’s face.

           “We won’t have an opportunity like this again. How would you boys like to be superheroes?”


	5. New Places, New People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako and Magnus meet new people. Merle hangs out with an old friend.

          Taako really didn’t know how he got here. Well, he did, but it was all so stupid he could barely wrap his head around it. First, while trying to find his first apartment he got stuck with two clowns because apparently, he has  _ superpowers _ . Then, at the first job he gets, it turns out his  _ boss _ had superpowers, which is just  _ great _ .  _ And then _ , to put the cherry on the fucking cake, it turns out that someone videotaped them with superpowers, and now some crazy moon organization wants him to be a superhero, and then there’s a giant check in front of him, and then of course he has to say yes because it would be stupid  _ not _ to. Then they get the bracer-thing Killian used to summon the jet-thing, and then they get these cool-ass weapons from this idiot with a  _ gachapon machine _ ? And there’s apparently a Costco on the moon base? Because why the fuck not, right?

          There was a press conference that Taako nailed, natch, and the making of superhero costumes and names and such, easy shit. (He was Flip Wizard. Obviously.) Now, wouldn’t it make sense for them to just live on the satellite space-thing? It’s not like they didn’t have room, they deffo had dorms. But the Director just sighed and said something about how it would be easier for them to just stay on earth, how  _ jet fuel doesn’t grow on trees, Taako _ , and then sent them up with a cover story in the form of an apartment over a dusty old antique store in the nicer side of town. Then she sent some druggie idiot that was apparently part of the Bureau to act as their ‘roommate’ and ‘keep a watch over them’, which Taako personally found quite insulting. 

          And that’s how he ended up pacing around the empty storefronts at eleven at night, the endless row of darkened windows and streetlamps only broken by the occasional flicker of a Seven Eleven or the distant drunken singing of a few partygoers. As he walked, he absentmindedly fiddled with a small beaded bracelet in his hand, barely thinking as he turned it to candy and popped it in his mouth. Just him and the vacant streets and the faint smell of peppermint an--

          “FUCK!”  _ Okay, so maybe I should’ve tied my shoelaces _ , was all he could think before he was sent sprawling forward. But before he could quite hit the ground, he was steadied by a strong pair of arms. 

          “Woah there, you alright?” Taako steadied himself, wiping some of the peppermint-drool from the corner of his mouth, and… oh no. 

          Staring back at him was a tall, dark-skinned man, dreads slipping out from the loose ponytail they were thrown in. He was  _ stunning _ . Taako swallowed the last of his peppermint and tried at his best dazzling smile. 

          “Just fine, my dude. Nice catch, by the way.” The man laughed nervously.

          “Uh, thanks. Nice to meet you,” he said in a smooth cockney accent, sticking his hand out. “I own the atrium in the mall.” Taako took the hand in his, begging to whatever god was up there this dude wouldn’t look at the shitty sneakers he had bought for walking.  

          “I’m Taako, darling. And what’s your name?” The man smiled his brilliant smile.

          “Kravitz.”

-

          Magnus really wished that everyone would stop talking about this.

          He sat at the register in the back of the antique store, bored out of his  _ mind _ . He supposed that it was a good thing that it was empty, but  _ stilllll _ …

          Merle had skipped out on him, no explanation at all. And Taako, who was supposed to be  _ doing the shift with him _ , had left two minutes in, mumbling something about the mall and birds? Magnus really wasn’t in the mood to be alone with his thoughts right now, was the thing, so he had pulled out his phone to scroll through.

          And if he had forgotten they were superheroes, he sure fucking remembered  _ now _ . His face in that bear mask was plastered across every media page in every crevice of the internet, some he really never wanted to explore. He winced at the footage of himself lifting the table full of  _ very _ important people above his head being replayed twenty times, plus the added effect of twenty different awkward zooms and a thousand air horn sounds dubbed over.  _ Aw, fuck. What was I thinking? _

          Giving up, he set his phone down just in time to finally see the smallish, Asian woman who had entered the shop. He was so bored he didn’t even try to consider why the bell attached to the front door hadn’t rung when she walked in, just striding over in all his friendly glory.

          “Hello, miss, how can I help you?” She was all lean muscle, like she did gymnastics or something. Her arms and back were plastered by a cool-ass tattoo of a dragon, and her hair was shaved away into a spiky undercut, dyed a light blue. She flashed the silver bracelet on her wrist at him, the Bureau bracer, before walking back around to behind the counter.

          “You’re Magnus Burnsides, right? I’m Carey Fangbattle, and I’m bored as shit. Decided to visit planetside for a while.” 

          “Where’ve I heard that name before? It sounds pretty familiar.” She sighed, digging out her phone from her pocket and showing an album cover of a guy that looked kind of like her playing guitar, backed by a posh-looking dude on bass and some long haired guy on drums.

          “The Hogsbottom Three sound familiar? My brother, Scales, it’s his band he has with two of his buddies.” She sat down on one of the chairs, resting her face on her hand. “So you’re like, a superhero?” He slumped down onto his chair.

          “I mean, I guess? Could we  _ not _ talk about this? I just spent three hours scrolling through, uh,  _ thirst posts _ ?” She snorted, picking something off of the table to examine it.

          “Don’t sound too excited about it.”

          “No, I mean, I’ve been dreaming about being a hero and protecting people for basically ever. It’s just…” He fumbles with his phone for a few seconds, then holds up the screen to her face. 

          “I would let I’Morko f*** me so hard my entire body would flip inside out and I would thank hi-- okay that one’s not so bad?” He shook his head grimly.

          “The one below that one.” Her eyes scanned down a little bit, went wide, and then she was throwing herself backward, face wrinkled up.

          “Okay, yep, that one’s, uh, that one’s pretty bad, I admit.” He put his phone away, satisfied. She patted him sympathetically on the shoulder, and Magnus felt something missing. Instinctively, he put a hand up to where the locket usually sat on his chest, but found it gone. Spinning around he turned to glare at Carey, whose hands were stuffed in her baggy pockets.

          “Give it  _ back _ ,” he growled. She opened her mouth like she was about to deny something, but then she looked him in the face, realized he wasn’t joking, and dumped out the contents of her pockets. It wasn’t just his locket in there. It seemed she had emptied out most of the store, without him even noticing. He might have gaped a little bit, even as he fastened the necklace around his neck. “Is this your superpower?” She shrugged, still looking a little guilty.

          “Nah, just a hobby. Sorry, man, really.”

          “It’s fine.” There was a moment of awkward silence, then he turned to her. “Just out of curiosity, what  _ is  _ your superpower?” Instead of answering, she just bit her lip and looked like she was concentrating really hard, and then her skin flushed  _ blue _ and turned scaly. Her pupils turned slitted, and her hair was slicked back into a crest.

          “Woah. That’s pretty cool.” She shrugged, human skin returning.

          “I don’t know, it’s kind of useless. Not like super-strength,” she added, smirking. He felt self-conscious all of a sudden. “Don’t know what I was thinking, that I could steal off of a  _ superhero? _ ” He wrinkled up his nose as she laughed. Well hey, he wasn’t really bored anymore, was he?

-

          Merle supposed he didn’t feel as bad as he should have for ditching the kid at the store for the space-base, but could you really blame him? 

          Avi was moderately annoyed about being summoned to take him up so he could hang out, but who cares, really? He was getting pretty used to flying into space. Or, at least his stomach was.

          He wandered about for a bit, looking into a few of the dome things, hanging out at the Costco, before deciding on the library. Now, he didn’t really know what to make of the whole superhero thing. He had just wrapped his mind around the whole ‘superpowers’ thing before he was hit with this whole thing, and then suddenly he was on TV in a tangle of vines, saying his name was ‘Doc’ and he was here to save the world. A nasal voice broke him out of his thoughts.

          “Davenport?” The small, mustachioed man was before him, looking up at him with cheerful, yet strangely blank eyes. He was holding up a checkered tray, looking at him expectantly. “Davenport,” he repeated insistently. Merle could hear the whispers around him, see the crowd surreptitiously gather around them. “Davenport.” Merle lowered himself on the opposite chair, groaning.

          “Why not? Gotta warn you bud, I’m not that good.” Davenport just repeated his name. His eyes suddenly changed from the blank happiness to sharp, cruel intelligence. The crowd around Merle suddenly made a lot more sense. This was a  _ hazing. _

          Now here’s the thing. Merle was _moderately_ confident in his chess skills. He wasn’t going to be named a Grandmaster any time soon, but he was pretty good. And after playing with Davenport for a few minutes, he could tell this guy was a _much_ better player than he was. But, for some reason, he _knew_ what Davenport was going to do next. It was _obvious_ , almost, except he wasn’t, and this was probably one of the most convoluted games of chess he’d ever played, a strange game of them pulling all of their craziest strategies out of their asses, only to be shut down and replaced by a move that seemed twice as mad. 

          Davenport ended up winning, obviously, but Merle could tell no _one_ expected him to do as well as he did, not even Davenport himself. But Merle was a good sport, and he held out his hand. 

          “Good game, Ca-- Uh, Davenport.” Merle shook his head.

          He really was losing his mind these days. 


	6. Murder Train: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's your train name?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapters, I got a project tomorrow! Hope you enjoy!

_            “America’s favorite trio of superpowered vigilantes strike again, and President Kalen is not happy. Videos show the heroes rescuing a building from a fire near downtown Neverwinter after an apparent robbery. The perpetrator has been detained by the vigilante known as Flip Wizard, and the victims of the fire are endlessly grateful for their rescue by the group. But many people are wondering; where did they come from, and are they as good as they want you to thi--”  _ Merle flipped the channel on their admittedly shitty box TV to some cartoon as Magnus blustered out of the shower, beard singed and wounds fresh. 

__ “Bet you’re regretting not having a shirt on your costume now, huh?” Merle snarked, already pulling out the first aid kit from under the couch. Magnus just stuck his tongue out at him before plopping down on the couch in front of him. “No, really buddy, we’re not poor anymore, you can afford clothes-- Hey, Taako, you better not be getting into the shower right now!” Taako froze, halfway through peeling his robe-like costume off.

__ “Ugh, come  _ on _ old man! I’m all grimy and I don’t know the last time those robbers  _ showered _ !” Merle just shooed him away, handing him a roll of gauze and nodding back to Magnus, who was still kind of bleeding.

__ “You  _ know _ the rule Taako, the last time you showered first after a battle we didn’t get the bathroom until midnight. Take care of the big guy for me, crybaby, he’s pissed about his sideburns.” Magnus was still pretending he wasn’t pouting while definitely very much pouting over his luscious ‘do. Taako flipped the channel, and a young-ish guy, maybe in his thirties, sat scowling in front of a sea of reporters, letting it play in the background as he finished up Merle’s admittedly quality work. 

_            “These new ‘superheroes’ are nothing more than a group of criminals at worst, national threats at worst. I don’t care what I have to do, they are not heroes, they are dangerous people and should be treated as such!” _

-

__ Taako really didn’t want to be woken up at three in the morning and forced onto a jet into space by some druggie asking for Pringles that for some reason works for a space organization, but then again he found that fate rarely ever listened to what he wanted. He was rocking his footie pajamas, obviously, but Magnus decided it was a ‘group thing’ and now Taako’s PJ glory was undermined by a giant ball of fur and Merle’s Entire Ass ™. Avi brought them over to the Director’s, who was, of course, pristine and not at all looking like she was up at three-mcfucking-thirty in the morning. 

__ “Thank you for getting up so early boys. I could only imagine how unpleasant waking up must have been, especially after the day you’ve had, hm?” She moved as she talked, never really looking up at them. “Well, I guess I’ll just cut to the chase. One of our agents, Leeman Kessler, found a fragment holder last night, but before he could fully report the identity of the person, he was taken out. All that he had the time to report was that the perpetrator was to be on the Rockport Limited 12:00 today.” She slid three tickets across the table. “Well, Rockport Limited is known for transporting high profile people all the time, and we called today because we just so  _ desperately  _ needed a way to transport the world’s newest superheroes.” Se went over a few other precautions, notes, important info, blah blah blah, and then they left to change into their Official Superhero Spandex ™. Killian brushed past them into the office as they left, a conflicted look on her face. The last thing Taako heard before the door was closed by Davenport was Killian shouting, “You gave those  _ bozos _ undercover work?!”

- __

__ It took way too much effort to avoid the paparazzi. They landed the plane at some clearing in the swamps, walked through the city in civilian clothes, ran into Tom Bodett (?), and then had to dive into a bathroom, seal it, change into their costumes, and run onto the train without being seen by paparazzi. As they finally got into the car, panting, a man in a Rockport uniform and a rainbow bowtie that was riding the line of something Taako would pull off or what Taako would scoff at and call ‘gauche’ took their bags and introduced himself in a Snape-esque voice as ‘Jenkins, here to serve your every need’. He showed them through the sleeper cars, the dining car, the passenger car, and last of all the storage car. 

__ “With state-of-the-art technology, our safe is one of the safest in the business. It physically cannot be opened through force or other means. The only way it can be opened is if one of the authorized staff keeps their fingerprints on it for thirty minutes. I assure you that all of your weapons are safe. Of course, we don’t need all this when we got  _ superheroes _ on the train, do we?” Magnus honestly couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but Taako must have been able to tell, because he immediately pulled a bag of carrots out of his robe and began obnoxiously chomping on them.

__ “Jenkins, was it? You got our stuff in there, didn’t you? All safe and sound?” Jenkins sneered a bit. 

__ “I mean, I sent for some workers to do it, you kno--”

__ “And you didn’t do it yourself? Kind of a shitty attendant, huh?” The man spluttered a bit.

__ “I didn’t want to pull a muscle!”

__ “ _ I didn’t want to pull a muscle! _ ” Jenkins stammered around for a bit before huffing out of the room, mumbling something about a drink cart. Taako flopped over to the sleeping car, staring out to where Jenkins left. “There’s something I really don’t trust about that guy.” 

__ “You’re kind of being an asshole, Taako.” Magnus was giving him his best disapproving look, but Taako just glared at him and stretched out like an agitated cat. 

__ “Tell me something I don’t know. I’mma take a nap.”

-

__ Magnus, Merle, and Taako were standing at the back of the passenger car, surveying their suspects. First was a small boy with dark skin and curly black hair dressed up in something that looked like he came straight out of private school, half buried in a giant book. In the row across of him sat a short woman that looked like she could probably bench press  _ Magnus _ . Speaking of Magnus, he seemed to be having some sort of weird fangirl-panic-attack, squealing something about pro wrestling… Oh right! It was that Jess the Beheader chick that Magnus followed on Twitter. She was pretty cool, yeah. The last passenger was this guy in a long trench coat that looked a little trashy, with the words ‘JUICY’ hastily stapled on in scraps of fabric where Merle assumed his ass would be. 

__ “Alright, let’s do this.” Merle sat down next to the boy. “Hello, I’m--” The boy turned to him before he could finish his sentence, pushing his oversized glasses up his nose. 

__ “Hello sir! I’m Angus McDonald, and I think I need to speak to you three!”


	7. Murder Train: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Angus McDonald, World's Greatest Detective! Also, the plot thickens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I think I should make every new chapter at least 2,500 words, that makes sense, right?
> 
> Also Me: Skips out for basically a month, procrastinates until Sunday Night to write 1,000 words.
> 
> Sorry if Angus is a little OOC, idk how to write.

Merle shut the door behind them. “Okay kid, you better have something to say, or this situation will look objectively creepy.” The small boy clutched his book to his chest, legs swinging off of the side of the bed. They all seemed to recognize this type of kid. He said that he was going to see his grandfather, but there was something in the way all his clothes were faintly patched in some places, or in how the kid seemed to perpetually looking over his shoulder that made them think he didn’t have any place to go after this. 

“I don’t really get why three grown men inviting a child into their sleeping car can possibly be creepy,” Angus said, blinking innocently. A beat of silence. Then a flood of giggles. “Just kidding, sirs, I completely understand the implications. You should see your faces!” Taako scoffed and snatched the book out of Angus’ hands, raising it right out of the kid’s reach.

“Okay, kiddo. FP’s a little too train-sick to deal with any shi--, fuck you’re a baby, I mean, silly things. Cut to the chase.” He tossed the book over to Magnus, who tossed it to Merle, and then they were playing some weird form of keep-away where the three of them tossed it over Angus’ head as the child watched blankly. 

“I’m not a baby, sir, I’m ten years old. And the World’s Greatest Detective!” He puffed out his chest a bit after the last bit, looking adorably proud of himself. Taako rolled his eyes, catching the book out of the air and tossing it towards where Magnus was. 

“That seems a bit full of yourself.” The boy smiled cheesily.

“Well, I mean, I can’t be that bad if I’m good enough to detect through your horseshit, Mr. Taako!” Taako froze, Magnus didn’t catch the book. Angus swung off the bed, picking his book off of the ground and busied himself with smoothing out the pages. “But really,” his childish glee abruptly shifted to blank curiosity. “You should start being a lot more careful, Mr. Burnsides and Mr. Highchurch. You all should be a lot more careful if you want to stand a chance.” His eyes slid unnervingly over to where Taako was muttering ‘Bad guy, bad guy, bad guy, bad guy,’ under his breath. “You’re interesting though, Mr. Taako. I don’t think anyone’s ever hid as much information about themselves so effectively before. I couldn’t even find a last name!” Angus’ eye caught Taako’s hand creeping towards his umbrella. 

“Oh, don’t worry sir, I won’t say anything. President Kalen does have a lot of money on your names, but I’m just a kid and I don’t care about monetary gain so much yet. Also, I suppose I’m in the same boat as you three.” His eyes flashed silver the smallest bit, and he smiled again, sharp and confident. “Mild psychic abilities, I’d guess. Helps with the detective work. It’s completely a coincidence we ended up on the train!” Merle’s eyes narrowed a bit.

“If you aren’t chasing us, then why  _ are _ you here?” 

“A case, of course!” The kid-smile was back, a bit unnerving now. “The militia is after a serial killer and thief called the Rockport Slayer, which is quite uncreative if you ask me, but irrelevant. They know he was on this train, so…” He gestured out to the train with his hands. “Usually it would be a piece of cake, but there’s something powerful clouding the brain traffic. And you three are here, and, well, it doesn’t really make sense for you to be here unless it’s for hero work.” Magnus and Merle seemed a bit distrusting, but Taako was, surprisingly, the first to speak up. 

“A bad guy with a very powerful and dangerous item was reported to be on this train, and we’re here to go after them. Maybe it’s your killer, but anywho, I think we should work together.” Angus fixed him with a piercing stare.

“Reported? I knew you must have associates, but, with this level of organization… who do you work for?” Magnus, Merle, and Taako all froze, trading wild glances.

“Well… we work for an organization created to… rid the world of… bad things?” Angus frowned.

“Is there something preventing the information from being revealed to people not in the organization?” The trio stammered a bit, but Angus beamed as if they answered. “This explains quite a lot, in fact. I could tell I drew the thought back into your conscious train of thought, but I couldn’t quite reach it. Hm. Fascinating.” He met Merle’s eyes this time, eyes visibly glowing with the effort, but then there was a sparking noise and the kid winced a bit and turned away. Magnus and Merle both reached out to steady Angus, but he brushed their hands away. “Absolutely fascinating,” he muttered again, “I’ll get back to that later. But now back to the case.” He opened his book to the back, where it seemed he had stuffed a small notebook and a stub of a pencil. “The passengers: Jess the Beheader, WWE champion, known for being particularly violent. She has the skills, definitely, but she seems to be the genuine type, and I can’t think of a motive. Unless she’s completely unrelated to my case and is only after your artifact, then I suppose she remains a contender. Percy Debinson, Train Name: Graham. Aspires to work on the Rockport Limited, but his place was actually taken by Jenkins. As far as I can tell, he’s not very powerful in, well, any respect. But he has a suitable motive, I guess. And Jenkins--” He was cut off by a scream near the front of the train.

The three of them ran up to the front of the train, halting in front of a door with rusty red pooling out from under it. The door gave way when Magus tried the knob, and the group looked into the room. Graham was prostrate on the ground, unconscious but apparently alive. And across from him was a drink cart and a body, blood dripping from where his head and hands used to be, and tied around his headless neck…

“Well, Jenkins is dead, I suppose,” Angus concluded.


	8. Murder Train: Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess flexes, Graham faints, and Angus needs a nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wassssssssssup! Is my love for Angus McDonald outweighed by the knowledge that I made him way too powerful? NOPE, I love my boi.

Magnus really thought he would have had a more dramatic reaction to the sight of the mutilated body should have affected him more. It didn’t. In fact, the sight was almost… boring? Boring. Huh. That’s strange. In the midst of his pondering, the idea of covering the kid’s eyes didn’t occur to him until he realized Angus was standing over the boy, methodically poking at the corpse.

“Uh, Angus, are you… okay? With the dead guy?” Angus smiled cheerily up at them in disturbing juxtaposition to the body he was examining. 

“Of course, sir! Usually, if I get close enough to the corpse, I can glean some information from any of the person’s residual consciousness. Plus, I’m the World’s Greatest Detective, I can’t really afford to be squeamish!” He flipped his notebook closed. “Elvish, male, presumably Jenkins--”

“Presumably?” Taako gestured at the bowtie. Angus shrugged.

“You’d be surprised. Fresh body, probably hasn’t been dead for more than two minutes, clean slice on the neck, rougher cuts on the hands at the wrist. No other wounds or signs of struggle. No belongings on the person.” Angus handed Magnus his notebook and began to roll up his sleeves. “Now, it usually takes a second, but if I try I can--” Angus froze, staring wide-eyed at something behind them. “Don’t. Move.”

“Kiddo, what is i-- Holy shit!” Before any of them could move, Angus dove out of the way right as a blast of fire hit the body. Without missing a beat, Angus pulled out a pistol from the arm of his sleeve and fired it twice at the ceiling. And maybe Magnus would have said something about weapons and children if a  _ giant fire-motherfucking-breathing crab  _ didn’t drop down into the car. It opened its mouth, the spinning mechanisms inside of it glowing ominously. The boys all looked over at Angus who was standing in front of them, holding out his firearm. The boy looked back.

“Why are you all behind me? Aren’t you the superheroes?” The crab-thing made a powering-up sound and they all scattered, the flames charring the carpet they were just standing on. The crab rushed towards them, and with all his little-boy strength, Angus grabbed Graham and dragged him out of the room. “Uh, sirs? I think we should probably cheese it out of the enclosed space, if that’s okay with you?” Taako was right behind him, running out as the crab snipped the air right above him, followed by Merle, but Magnus just hunkered down in front of the crab.

“I’ll handle this you gu-- Hey!” He felt a vine snake around his ankle, and then Merle was dragging him out of the train compartment. 

“You don’t have any weapons, dumbass!” Merle yelled, dragging him behind them as they ran down the next car, tugging at the door. 

“What the hell’s going on?” They all froze as Jess popped up from between the seats, facing away from the oncoming creature. The crab made the powering-up noise again, and she turned just in time to see the flames shooting out before her vision was encased in greenery and she was pushed back to the group. The crab scuttled over the charred leaves towards them, opening its glowing mouth. Merle pushed everyone except for Magnus and Taako out of the room, much to Jess’s protests. When the next wave of fire came towards them, Magnus pushed in front of them and clapped, the wave of force pushing the fire to surround the creature. Taako flicked his wrist, and the fire turned into what seemed to be a pocket of air, propelling the crab to flail uselessly in the air above them.

“Hey! That was pretty competent of us!” Magnus boomed, holding out a hand for high-fives. He was left hanging because at that moment Jess burst through the plant barricade and straight at the monster jumping on it. With a few well-placed hits and some genuinely horrifying cracking noises, the crab laid mutilated and very, very dead on the ground. But no sooner had the thoughts of eating it had reached their minds, the thing dissolved into a flurry of pixels. Angus appeared beside them, snatching his notebook out of Magnus’ pocket and started to furiously scribble in it. 

“It appears to be some sort of solid… illusion, I’d think. The leaves on the ground are still charred, and Miss The Beheader was able to attack it, so it has bearing on the real world. I wonder…” He ran over to the other compartment, still scribbling. 

“Who the hell’s that kid?” Jess asked, stretching out her jacked arms. Angus poked his head back into the room.

“The body is still charred. I don’t think I’ll be able to-- argh!” His eyes flashed a painful shock of silver as the room grew the slightest bit heavier. The familiar weight of power sparked through the air, thick enough that the three heroes could feel it. Angus took the brunt of it, holding his head in obvious pain. The trio immediately rushed over to him, propping him against the wall. “I-it seems your artifact has something to do with illusions. Unfortunately, I think the mystery-solving will have to depend on you, sirs. It’s quite obvious if you just-- ugh!” He squeezed his eyes shut. They could see the silver outline of his pupils shining past the thin skin of his eyelids. Magnus kind of wanted to throw up and punch someone at the same time. 

“Can’t you do anything?” He looked between Taako and Merle, but Taako shook his head. 

“It’s the fragment. The kid’s powers seem to have rewired his brain to automatically take in all the information around him and sort out the lies from the truth, but the fragment is illusion-based. My guess is that his powers are trying to correct the reality that the fragment is changing, and it’s creating a conflict, centered in Agnes’ brain.” 

“There’s hope for us yet, sir,” Angus snarked, and then proceeded to fall flat on his face. He waved away the heroes’ hands with a muffled, “I’m fine, sirs, I just think I’ll lay here for a bit while you figure this out. Good luck!” 

-

“Merle do you have anything to... wake him up?” The trio stood over the passed-out Graham, Jess looking on entirely unimpressed. Merle raised an eyebrow.

“Do you mean like, drugs?” Taako smacked the old man upside the head.

“No, like, smelling salts, old man!” Merle rubbed at his grimy beard.

“Sorry, can’t think of any plants that could help right now. Hey, big guy, why don’t you, uh, smack him, or something?” Magnus drew his arm back but Taako caught his arm.

“Uh, try it at 20% power.”

“That would kill some things.”

“Uh… 5% with your left hand.” Magnus nodded, winded up and smacked Graham, sat up, clutching his cheek.

“Aw, shit! Tha-that one hurt, shit!” Taako sat in front of him, smiling sweetly. 

“Graham, right? Graham, could you tell us what you remember?” The man blinked the sleep out of his eyes, sitting up against the wall.

“Uh, I was in here with Jess, then I wanted a drink so I went to get Jenkins, and then… Oh my god! Jenkins is--” And then he passed out again. Taako sighed, stepped back, and gestured to Magnus.

“Try 6.5%” Magnus smacked him, and Graha spluttered awake, howling in pain.

“Jesus Christ! That one was, like 1.5% worse than the last one!” 

“Well, technically, it would be 0.3% worse, but whatever. About how long would you say you were in the passenger car, and do you have any proof?” 

“Uh, yeah, Jess and I were in the passenger car together for about twenty minutes.” Jess grunted in agreement. “Hey, uh, why don’t you interrogate Jess?” 

“Her biceps are bigger than Magnus’.”

-

“Taako, just because you glare at the button while you press it doesn’t mean it would work any better.” They had been standing around the intercom outside of the conductor’s car for a minute, pressing the button and waiting for the conductor to come, which he hadn’t. “Taako, just let me punch it!” Taako scooted out of the way to let Magnus wind up and…

It was nauseating, really to watch reality bend. The metal seemed to soften around Magnus’ arm, before turning rubbery and slingshotting it out. Magnus had to jump back to make sure it didn’t shoot his arm straight out of its socket. 

“Jesus, okay! I guess we know who did it now!” Magnus slumped against the wall, rubbing at his arm. Taako narrowed his eyes at the wall as Merle did his ‘stupid-old-guy’ act.

“Uh… the conduct--”

“Yes, the conductor!” Magnus yelled. Taako snapped his fingers.

“Nope. It’s Jenkins.”


	9. Murder Train: Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How To Solve Crime If You Have Two Brain Cells and One Smart Boy With a Headache aka I'm so sorry if the grammar sucks bc Grammarly hates me and I wrote this in like five hours without proofreading

Magnus blinked at him.

“But Jenkins is--”

“Nope.”

“But the bod--”

“Different one. The conductor’s.”

“Are you su--”

“Just trust me, the author cut the last scene off at a super inconvenient place.” 

“What?” Taako sighed. He knew that neither Magnus nor Merle were as stupid as they pretended to be, but they were always the slightest bit dense and… always? Man, he’s only known them for like, a few months, tops, that’s pretty pretentious of him. Whatever. Anyways, back to the case.

“If it  _ was _ the conductor, why would he need to kill Jenkins? Why would he need to risk revealing that he had the power in the first place? Therefore, it’s Jenkins.”

“So the body is… the conductor?” Taako was already power-walking out of the door to the cargo car (maybe taking extra care to make his cape swoosh dramatically behind him, who knows). Magnus rushed ahead of him, which was very on-brand, Merle waddling surprisingly quickly behind him.

“It’s not a race!” Taako wheezed out. “Oh hey! How ya hanging, kid?” Angus was still lying face-down on the ground.

“As fine as I can be, sir! Did you figure it out? It’s Jenkins, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess we gotta go, uh, fight ‘im now,” he called behind him, only to bump into a solid wall of Magnus. “Ugh, bud-- huh?” 

The room was empty. 

“ _ Sirs? Are you alright? I can feel a lot of the energy coming from that room and I would totally go investigate if I didn’t think it would totally blow my bean!” _ Angus called from the other room. 

“Uh, no there’s nothing in this room! It looks… empty?” Magnus called back. Taako could feel the umbrella in his hand vibrate almost excitedly, feeling a bit warmer than usual? 

“ _ Uh… try to open the back door! I have a theory, I think! _ ” Magnus pulled on the doorknob on the other side of the room, but the door stayed firmly closed. He tried tugging harder, then punching it, then ripping the doorknob off, then checking the pull sign to make sure he didn’t misread it, but to no avail.

“It’s not working!” he shouted back. “Do you want me to--”

“The room’s an illusion.” Taako and Magnus turned to look at Merle, who was staring out the window. He turned to look at them, eyes sparkling sharply behind his bifocals. “At least, I think that’s what the kid’s getting at.” 

“ _ Good job, sir! You’ve solved the train puzzle! _ ” Angus hollered. It was weirdly patronizing seeing as it came from a ten-year-old.

“That was actually pretty competent of you, Merle!” Magnus boomed, slapping an irked Merle on the back.

“Oi! Don’t sound so surprised!”

\--

Everyone had gathered into the main passenger compartment to try to figure out a plan. Taako didn’t especially like having to ask the others for help, but they’d already seen them repeatedly go to a child for help. The whole ‘brave and powerful superhero’ shtick was over. 

“Aren’t you guys supposed to be super powerful and stuff?” Jess had asked. 

“I suppose they are, ma’am, but from my understanding, they all share a sum of about two brain cells,” Angus snarked from the chair he had crawled onto. It was kind of an awkward situation, not helped at all by the small child with a glowing face buried in some cushions. “Does anyone have anything that could help us get into the cargo car? Yes, Miss the Beheader I am aware of how swole you are, I was thinking… information?” Silence. Angus let out a very adult-person sigh. “Well, um, the only other entrance to that room, the back door, but I don’t think there’d be any way to get to that door unless we  _ leave  _ the train, which we wouldn’t be able to do anyways, seeing as we’re in a tunne--”

“There’s a stretch where they don’t have any tunnel yet coming up in a few minutes. It’s about, uh, 1.25 miles long. But if we’re really moving at 150 miles an hour, you’d have to get to the back of the train in…” 

“Thirty seconds,” Taako and Angus supplied at the same time. Everyone looked surprised at the self-proclaimed ‘simple idiot wizard’. Taako flushed.

“Erm, I seem to be holding both of the brain cells at the moment. So, we’d need someone to jump out of the train, not die, and get to the back car door in thirty seconds.” He barely finished the sentence before Magnus was up, starting to stretch his muscles.

“I’ll do it! I’ll do it!” Taako was reminded of a puppy dog of some sort. “Someone get a rope, I could… uh… rappel! I could rappel down the side of the car and punch the door down!” Merle was already on it, a vine snaking around Magnus’ waist as he sat eagerly by the window. Angus shifted in his pile of every cushion in the passenger car, sticking a hand in the air like he was in class. 

“Um, sir? With all due respect, I don’t think even you would be able to get there in thirty seconds.” Taako raised his hand in mock-eagerness, mimicking Angus’ pose.

“No, I stole these cool boots from Merle’s dead cousin, they help you jump like, super high.” There was a beat of silence as everyone stared at Magnus, who took a few seconds to catch up. “I mean--”

“Hey look, the tunnel is ending soon!” Taako shouted, changing the subject before anyone could fully process what Magnus just said. Indeed, the edges of the window were tinged with the smallest bit of daylight. Hudson flipped two of them open, the sounds of a rushing train hitting them at full force. The three heroes went to stand in front of the window, the wind pushing Magnus’ hair out of his eyes as he squinted at the light and Taako’s cape into a billowing sail of green behind him. (Merle, not blessed neither fabulous nor rugged good looks, just drowned in his crusty beard as it flew backward). Hudson was standing at another one of the windows, keeping count of the feet. The approaching light steadily grew, flooding the train car and blinding all of them.

“Any last words?” Taako shouted into the wind. Magnus looked back, a wild grin on his face. 

“Don’t touch my stuff.”

“Three! Two! And… one! Jump!” 

Magnus leaped out.

There was a horrifying moment where the rope was slack and he was pulled out of their view, mid-air as the train hurtled past, but then the vine was pulled tight and they heard a solid  _ thunk _ at the side of the train. They all rushed to the window, watching as Magnus clung to the side of the train, giant hands and long arms helping him swing across the car in record time. He jumped off of the edge, swinging around, and it really seemed like he’d made it, but then there was the sight of something pale and giant, and he was flung back right as they re-entered the tunnel. Everyone lurched forward unconsciously, but Magnus seemed unfazed, grabbing on an overhanging rock and pushing himself forward into something that made such a horrid squelching noise that it could be heard even over the rush of the train. There was a clattering noise and yelling coming from the other side of the cargo door, and everyone rushed to listen and wait by it. 

_ “What’s up, Jenkins!” _

_ “What the-- are you  _ flipping  _ me  _ off _?” _

There was laughing cut off by a groan, and then the door was blown back, a giant heap of Magnus knocking through it, clutching an ax. Everyone scrambled to ready themselves, bursting into the small cargo car. In the middle of the car the safe sat, open, everyone’s shit spilling out from it, over which Jenkins, glowing faintly, stood. He was flanked by two… flesh… mounds? Whatever they were, they were disgusting and giant and definitely attacking them. Merle was, surprisingly, the first to react, vines ensnaring one of the flesh creatures and then squeezing, bursting it in one of the most horrifying displays any of them had seen. 

“H-how did you see through my perfect crime?” Jenkins sputtered out, skittering behind the safe in fear. 

“It’s ‘cause you’re a wiener, darling,” Taako quipped, hands glowing. Jenkins turned his nose up at the childish insult, eyes flashing a sickly blue.

“I hate you a--”

“Jenkins? More like Wankins!” Merle supplied, looking for approval.

“You are all the worst and I ha--”

“Jerkins? Is Jerkins good? I like Jerkins!” Magnus supplied as he stumbled to his feet. The man in question pinched the bridge of his nose, so disgusted it seemed words were beyond him.

“Yo- I- god, I am going to kill everyone on this train, then bring you three back to life just to kill you again. Just kill them!” he shouted at the other meat monster, who stumbled forward in all its horrifying glory. Magnus jumped up, swinging his ax down onto its head and leaving it with a nasty cut right as Taako fired a beam at it, a chunk of it sloughing off and shattering into a pile of bloody ice. The thing stumbled around, making gross gross gross noises and bleeding, like, everywhere. Merle put it out of its misery, squeezing it into a horrid blood-slushy that pooled into the carpet.  

“You’re outnumbered, Wiener-Wankins-Jenkins,” Magnus growled. Jenkins paled, scrabbling to the far end of the room.

“Y-you can’t hurt me! I’m the only one who knows how to run the train, you won’t be able to stop it without me!” 

“Actually, I could probably stop the train!” Hudson yelled from where he was cowering in the passenger car.

“You go do that, my dude! Sorry, thug, that really isn’t good enough for us. Any other excuses, or are you going to let us arrest you now?” The man sniveled pathetically in Taako’s shadow, the other two leaving the room. “I knew was a reason I didn’t like you.” His umbrella rattled at his hip, swiveling so the point end faced Jenkins. Then it turned inside out, swallowing Jenkins’ head into it. “Woah! Woah, what the fuck! Uh, bad umbrella!” The umbrella suddenly stopped, flipping back and let an unconscious Jenkins fall to the ground. The moment his head hit the floor, an ember-like popped up over his head, floating by Taako’s head. “Uh… okay?” After a moment of staring at his umbrella, he turned his attention to the magic-thing. With one gloved hand, he batted the thing into one of his many pockets, praying it wouldn’t, like, explode or something, swiped a few valuables into his other pockets, then went back into the passenger car.

Merle was patching up Magnus with the help of Jess, who was complimenting Magnus on his sweet jumping-off-of-a-train move. Angus was up and about again, looking chipper as usual as he bounced into the cargo car and muttered to himself. 

“Thank you so much sirs, my head feels much clearer now! Oh, and don’t worry about the paperwork and such, I have connections in the police force. I can explain it for you!” He smiled in a bright way that made you vaguely uneasy before something caught his attention. “Um, sir, did you happen to see a set of silverware in the safe?” Taako froze, and Angus glanced over at him with those terrifying eyes of his. “Because it belonged-- sorry,  _ belongs _ to my grandfather and I wouldn’t want to lose it.” 

“Sorry kid, I think it got destroyed,” Taako weakly supplied, now very vividly remembering grabbing a silverware set. He didn’t know why he was trying to lie to the kid, but he couldn’t very well back down now, could he? Angus just smiled that knowing smile of his and sent shivers down Taako’s spine.

“It’s alright, sir. Keep them. The more things you have to hold over a person, the better. Oh look, we’re here!” Angus happily skipped out, tracking blood-slush across the carpet.

_ This kid.  _


	10. Be Gay, Fight Crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fall comes, and with it, change.  
> Also, gay rights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for skipping out for the past few weeks, a lot of projects started to build up and I lost some braincells.  
> Also, my boy Angus.

“The press is talking about us again,” Magnus mumbled into his arm. It was a blisteringly hot day at the shop, and for all their fancy talk, it didn’t seem like the super-secret-space-organization that owned the place was going to fix it anytime soon. And, of course, Magnus and Merle were stuck at the shop for cover reasons. It’s not like anyone _visited the_  damn place, anyways. Merle fumbled for his glasses, squinting at their tiny screen. 

“Is it-- Oh shit, it’s the president, he fucking hates us.” 

Despite Madame Director’s best efforts, the man was set on dragging their names through the mud. The press ate that shit up with a fucking spoon obviously, and the situation was only exacerbated by Taako’s  _ constant _ need to do something called a… ‘clapback’? Whatever it was, it drove the PR department insane or something because Magnus was pretty sure they quit like, two months ago. Like he was summoned, Taako was down the stairs in a flurry of fabric and color, typing frantically on his phone.

“Guys, do you know what day it is?” Cue the blank stares. 

“Uh, October 11th?” Taako spread his arms out expectantly, which was just met with more blank stares. 

“...Friday?” Magnus supplied. Taako just scoffed in reply. 

“National Coming Out Day, meathead. And I’m having  _ problems _ .” He slammed his phone down on the table, a blank draft open on his Flip Wizard account. “What the fuck am I supposed to  _ write _ ?” 

Magnus blinked. Oh.

“Wait, there’s a day for that?” Taako waved him off, gesturing to the phone on the table.

“Yesss, and I need to write something for it. Stay on task! What! Do! I! Write!” The three stood around the table, staring at the phone in the middle of the table, the cursor blinking almost tauntingly. The screen’s brightness faded, and Taako tapped the screen once to keep it on. The cursor blinked. A clock ticked behind them. The cursor blinked. Merle scratched his nose. Magnus tapped the screen again. The cursor blinked. Taako fiddled with his bracelet, fading it pink to blue to black to white and on and on a--

“I’ve got it!” Merle and Taako jumped, but Magnus bustled on. “We all come up with our   _ own _ ideas!” 

Taako facepalmed.

-

Ironically enough, they did end up doing that. 

-

Lucretia had been reloading the official SnapGram ™ page for the boys for thirty minutes now and  _ nothing _ . Praying that they at least  _ mentioned _ supporting the youth, she clicked the reloading button again. God, what were those idiots  _ doing _ ? Lucretia  _ told _ Taako what the prime time for posting any viral media was, and  _ yet _ …

_ Ding _ ! 

Finall--

God. Dammit. 

-

Three posts went viral at nearly the exact same rate that day. All three were from the same account. 

The first was posted by the hero known as Flip Wizard, featuring the man himself in his official costume, sprawled out in a claw-footed bathtub and holding a bottle of champagne with one hand a perfectly manicured middle finger stuck out on the other. It was the sort aesthetically-pleasing post not uncommon from the hero, barring one thing. 

Rainbows streaked across his outfit, from the top of his wizard hat to the tip of his thick-soled shoes. His usual cape was replaced by a pride flag, tied loosely over his shoulders, and his lips, painted rainbow as well, were pulled back in a cavalier smile. The caption simply read: ‘how about i end the debate’. It suffices to say that it did.

The second was a selfie of  I’Morko, holding a small purple, blue, and pink flag, chipped nails painted accordingly. His caption was… much longer than Flip Wizard’s, to say the least, a wieldy paragraph of the contents of his lunch and so rambly that you almost miss the ‘oh, bc i’m bi did i mention that? anyways’ crammed in the middle. The post was parsed later on, hidden meanings squeezed out of every mention of a meatball sub, all of which was entirely unintentional by the man himself.

Doc’s post was the only one that didn’t include a picture, just the words:

**Feeling quite Pan-tastic today!**

**-Doc**

Followed up with:

**I’m not actually sure if it was clear, but the joke is that I’m not straight.**

(Merle didn’t actually know how to post on SnapGram ™, and Magnus had to type this for him.)

Weirdly enough, Merle’s ended up getting the most likes.

Not that it was a competition or anything. 

Taako wasn’t happy.

-

Lucretia was confused.

Being a secret space organization was never supposed to be  _ easy _ , but she thought the Void would at least take the weight off her back.

Then the first letter arrived.

Carey had tapped on her door, almost nervously, with a crisp, white envelope. Already, she had Lucretia’s attention. Carey was rarely nervous. 

“See, the thing is boss…”

“Spit it out.” Lucretia’s voice was level but her hand clutched at her suit under the table, horrible possibilities running through her head. 

“...You’ve got mail.” She paused. 

“Miss Fangbattle?”

“Yeah, boss?”

“We live in space.”

“I’m aware, boss.”

“But we have  _ mail _ ?”

“That’s the… the problem, boss.” Carey shifted uncomfortably. “Avi said he found it in his satchel the last time he came back from planetside.”

“Leave the letter on my desk. You are dismissed _ ”  _ Carey left silently, leaving Lucretia to stare at the envelope in front of her. It was standard, no special markings or sealings, simply the words, ‘Madame Director’ printed neatly on the back. She picked it up with the very tips of her gloved fingers, slitting it open. It contained a postcard from Neverwinter, something one would buy in a tourist shop.

_ Dear Madame Director, _

_ Is that your name? I’m not sure. It took a large amount of energy simply to parse that much from the nice man that works from you. Not that he told me anything, he doesn’t need to be in trouble. I’m a psychic, I think, and he had the same sort of fuzziness in his mind as Mr. Taako and Mr. Burnsides and Mr. Highchurch. I met them on a train, the Rockport Express. You can ignore this if you want, but I was just curious and wondering if I could ask you a few questions. You can probably find me. I’m not trying to hide. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Angus McDonald _

_ P.S. Do you actually live in space? I passed out at that point but I think I heard something about space. I have questions about that too. _

-

Merle couldn’t help noticing the man.

He was tall, with dark skin and long dreads, always nicely dressed, and he would pass by every day. He wouldn’t come  _ in _ , no, never. But he would pass by every day in his fancy suit, trying very hard to look casual as he peered into the window. And then he would just… stand there. Staring up at the sign. And every day he would walk up to the door, a little closer each time, as if he was going to open the goddamn door, and then turn right back around before he even put his hand on the doorknob. He would pace around the front door for a few minutes, maybe even try to walk up to the door a few more times, but then, of course, he would look at his watch, cast one last look at the shop, and go on walking. 

It was fucking  _ annoying _ .

It was the twenty-second day this happened when he snapped. Magnus was out doing exercise-things with his lizard friend, and Taako was… well, doing whatever Taako does when he’s supposed to be working. The man got all the way to the door this time,  _ actually putting his hand on the doorknob _ . 

And then he walked away.

Merle jumped  _ over  _ the counter, something he instantly regretted, then hobbled through the back pain all the way up to the door, slamming it open just as the man began his second attempt.

“ _ Every. Single. Goddamn. Morning.  _ I have to watch you do this  _ every single morning  _ of the past  _ month _ .” The man had a surprisingly unaffected reaction to a short, old man jumping out of nowhere and yelling at him, simply taking a calm step back and looking a bit sheepish.

“Well, I’m sorry sir, I thought-- never mind. It was a misunderstanding, I think. Um, good d--”

“I think it’s about that pretty boy that lives with you, Highchurch,” Pringles wheezed from where he was propped up against the wall. This drew more of a reaction out of mystery-man, who immediately began to splutter and sweat. 

“Taak-- I mean, who? What? Ha, look at the time I have to go!” Before he could get far, the click of heels on concrete seemed to freeze him in place.

“Hey old man, what’s going o-- Krav?” Taako paused mid-obnoxious chew of gum. Merle snatched the heavy bag of pastries out of his hand before he could drop them. ‘Krav’ stuffed his hands into his slacks, seemingly at a loss for words. 

“Oh, Taako! Hey! W-what’s up?” Merle crossed his arms, looking in between the two. “I was just passing by, you know, and I ran into, uh… I didn’t catch your name?” The man didn’t spare a glance Merle’s way. 

“He’s been pacing in front of the door every morning for the past month,” Merle supplied, which sent both Taako and the other man into stammering messes. 

“Oh, well, I wouldn’t say  _ every  _ morning? It’s more lik--”

“Really? I mean, uh, whateve-- I mean, uh--” 

“Are we having a sidewalk party? Just invite the guy in already!” Everyone save Pringles jumped as a very sweaty Magnus came blustering into the middle of the conversation, followed by a marginally less sweaty Carey. He snatched the greasy bag from Merle with one hand and held open the door (which he took up most with) with the other. “Why the fuck did you order so many pastries?” His words were muffled by the bear claw he had snatched up with his teeth. Krav was still frozen in place, but Taako was scowling at Magnus, pushing him out of the doorway. 

“I’m sure Kravitz is busy and has better things to do than sit around your sweaty asses.” 

“I’m… actually… not… busy?” Kravitz squeaked out from behind Merle. “I, I can join you guys, I have the day off from my boss. U-unless you don’t want me here, which is fine, that’s fine, I’ll just--”

“Don’t move, bird boy,” Taako interrupted, sending death threats through his eyes at his friends before turning around with his best show-selling smile. “You most definitely don’t want to hang out with these idiots. You  _ do _ want to hang out with me, which we can totally do at lunch. Meet me at the cafe at the corner at, uh, 12:00 today. That good with you?” Kravitz nodded hastily.

“Yeah. Yeah, 12:00 is good. Uh, I guess I’ll see you then?” He half-turned away before spinning back around. “Oh, and it was nice to meet you, Taako’s family.” 

Merle was about to make a snarky comment about being a dad, but he noticed how Taako went rigid around the shoulders. He settled for patting him on the back as he went in, not missing how red the tips of his ears were.

“So who was that?” Carey piped up, holding a lemon muffin. Taako shrugged half-heartedly.

“Nobody.”

-

Ever since the three fateful posts, the naysayers only doubled. 

But so had the support. More and more the interviews drifted away from those iffy, controversial questions and more into personal ones. For every inch closer the skeptics scrutinized them, there was another wall of supporters there to throw them off the trail. Halloween rolled around, and dozens of companies made quite a lot of money off of costumes in their likeness. 

Fall came, and with it, more crimes to solve.

They were on the front page more often than not, always off stopping some fire or shooting or solving robberies. It seemed as if the world was getting used to the crime-fighters. They didn’t even have to dodge police anymore!

But in the Bureau, a red dot pinged on the edge of a map. A comically droopy man shouts frantically through a telephone to where a very, very tired woman drank a fishbowl of wine and stares at doom through the monitor.

On the edge of a planet two galaxies away, a giant warship hovered, and a man stands looking at the stars below him.

And in the outskirts of a rich city in a vast desert, a woman speeds down a dusty road to the cheer of a crowd and the crunch of metal.


	11. Speed and Weed(s): Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako breaks the rules of reality ft. A Gratuitous Cameo by the Best Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALS ARE NEXT WEEK AND I'M DOING NOTHING HAHAHAHAHA I'M FINE  
> As always, @escapistcatontheinternet on tumblr!!!  
> I wrote the middle at 12:30 last night and didn't proofread so there will most definitely be MISTAKES.  
> Enjoy!

Goldcliff was the kind of place that people like to write books about. A gilded city of glamor and corruption on the edge of a cliff, nothing but a ring of the lower-class separating it from the miles of desert that surround it. And in the center is the bank, a tall, gold-tipped tower that shines like a beacon or a mockery, depending on the angle. 

Also, it was currently being strangled with vines. 

The Tres Horny Bois, as their SnapGram proudly announced them to be (much to Lucretia’s chagrin and despite her countless attempts to change it) flew in, looking as majestic as three grown men in costumes could look whilst hurdling towards the ground in a glass ball could. Which, in Taako’s case, was very majestic. Natch.

They tumbled out when it landed right in the middle of the police barricade. 

“Okay! Who’s Captain Captain Bane?” Magnus boomed over the racket of an entire building being attacked by magical vines. The police gave them weary looks, but they relaxed as their Captain came over and clapped Magnus on the back, seemingly at ease.

This time, it seemed, they didn’t get to the problem before it was revealed to the public. Lucretia had called them up in a panic, barely having time to tell them the name of their informant before shoving them into a glass ball and sending them to Goldcliff.  And now they were here, crouching behind a barricade, next to the man with one of the most unfortunate (or most fortunate) names Taako’s ever heard, trying to ignore the jabbering of the press on the other side of the barricade. 

“Give us the SparkNotes, my man,” Taako yelled over the pop of cameras. 

“Okay, so, the target’s a burglar that’s been evading the GPD for some time now called the Raven. You could probably  _ tell _ , but the power she’s manifested is control over nature. Is your… friend okay…?” Taako and Magnus turned to Merle, who was staring at the tower.

“Ignore him. Is there anyone at risk in the building?” Magnus asked, because he’s Magnus Burnsides and he cares and shit.

“No, as far as we can tell we’ve gotten everyone out. Any questions?” Taako jumped over the barricade, making sure his cape swished behind him as the paparazzi shouted. 

“We’ve got this, thug, don’t sweat it.”

“Honestly, I’d be impressed if you got past the vin-- Where’s Doc?”  Magnus looked around. Merle was by the vines, already stroking one of them.

“Shit.” 

If there was one weakness of Merle’s, besides the lack of strength and his insisting on playing dumb and his age and his tendency to forget things, it was his constant horniness for plants. Now, it was manageable, really, but they were in front of a GIANT FUCK-TON OF VINES ATTACKING A BUILDING. 

“Taako, do something. Block Merle from view or something, if this gets out…”

“Just, kick up some dust, do it,  _ do it _ .” Magnus slammed his feet on the ground, sending a cloud of dust flying up, and Taako’s hand glowed and then a sheet of dirt separated them from the crowd. 

-10 Horrible Minutes Later-

“How do you even sweet talk plan--” Magnus was shoved back by Taako, who shook him lightly by the shoulders.

“Maggie. Sweetie. You know better. Don’t. Ask.” Magnus would have no doubt responded with something witty, but he hesitated for a second too long and Taako ducked out of the way right as Magnus jumped across the room, ax drawn. Taako heard a thwack and a gross scream and then there was a  _ giant ant made of plants? _

“Why can’t we ever get a  _ normal _ enemy?” Magnus yelled, jumping back with a good chunk of the tree-thing. Taako saw Merle approaching the creature and thought fast. A flip of the wrist sent a little river of gasoline unfurling to where the ant wobbled on two legs, and a well-placed scrape of his umbrella on the floor created a spark that traveled down the line and catching on the dry twigs of the ant. Of course, since they were in a room full of plants, the fire caught on something else, then on something else, then, the room was filling with smoke and the trio scattered. Magnus and Taako ran for the elevator while Merle jumped to the stairs. Taako leaned against the doors once they slid closed. 

“Okay, that’s all my cardio for, like, the week,” he panted out. The elevator dinged softly as they passed each floor, the music making the quiet seem even eerier. They sat in relative silence for fifteen or so floors. The fluorescent lights flickered. “So, what’s going on with y--” The whole elevator shook, vines curling in through the tiles on the ceiling and growing until the walls started to break away. Taako threw an arm up and one of the vines twisted into a rope. Magnus grabbed on with a second to spare. Taako grabbed on a second too late.

He drew back instinctively as it flew past his fingers, and then the floor gave away. He grabbed at Magnus’ legs as the remnants of the elevator hurtled down around him. Magnus was dragged down a bit by the extra weight, the rope swinging perilously over a viney death. 

There was a moment of quiet as they steadied in midair. 

Then the door above them burst open and a small, old man came hurtling towards them, followed by a barrage of vines. Merle landed squarely on Magnus’ head, and all three of them slipped a few feet.

“A  _ little warning next time _ ?” Magnus grit out. Merle didn’t respond. He was too busy yelling at a crowbar. It was in character, so Taako and Magnus didn’t question it. 

Then a vine shot out from above them, lashing out across Taako’s knuckles and for a terrifying second, he was hurtling down the shaft.

_ Could I? _

_ It works in theory... _

_ What have I got to lose? _

There was a flash of light and then Taako disappeared.

-Two Weeks Ago-

Taako peeked around the apartment to make sure the others were gone, a task made quite simple due to the fact there were like, three rooms. Once he ensured he was alone, he flipped open his phone and dialed the number he had had to remember by heart.

“Hey kiddo, how’re you holding up?” Gunshots and shouting garbled together in the background of the call.

“I’m fine, sir!” Angus cheerily responded. Taako tried his best to ignore the tug in his chest as he noticed the strain in Angus’ voice. “Sir? What’s wrong?”

“What’re you up to right now? It doesn’t sound too ‘fine’ to me, ‘s all.” 

“Oh! Just a case. There’s a thing with a cult and a hostage scenario and it’s basically all better now.” Taako rolled his eyes. 

“Kid, I thought you were better at lying than that.” There was the sound of panting and footsteps, and the background noise faded away.

“Okay, I’m out of shooting distance--”

“You were  _ in shooting distance _ ?”

“--can I ask my question now?”  _ There’s nothing you can do. The kid’s a professional. Deep breaths. _

“Go for it, kiddo.”

“So, I was wondering about the limitations of your powers. So you can create anything basically anything as long as you have material to work with?”

“Ch’yeah.”

“What constitutes…  _ anything _ ? Like, is it contained to things that should be physically possible?” Taako froze mid-dramatic sip.  _ Huh.  _ “So, hypothetically, could you create things that should be physically impossible? You’ve already created energy from basically nothing.” Huh. He felt his mouth quirk up against his will. 

“I like how you think, kid.”

-Now-

Taako closed his eyes as he fell through the pocket of space he created, half-expecting to still be falling. But the rush of air suddenly stopped, and Taako was surrounded by a white-space version of the room he was in. The vines above him and below him crept at half-speed. Cautiously, he unfurled from where he was floating in mid-air. His foot met solid ground where there was none. 

“Holy shit,” he breathed. A half-delirious whoop forced itself from his lungs. “Holy  _ shit! _ I’m in a different  _ dimension _ !” Then something chattered behind him, and he whirled around. 

Tiny creatures, indistinguishable in every way save for their big eyes, blinked at him twice, then disappeared. 

“I will choose to ignore that,” he announced, then grabbed at the empty space above his head. It turned solid under his fingers and held. 

With some struggling, he clambered his way above Merle in the blank space. Taako squeezed his eyes shut, but when he reached out to the space around him he felt a pang of emptiness that stabbed at his gut.  _ Okay. Not good _ . The vines above him were starting to creep dangerously close. He tried again and almost doubled over.  _ Definitely not good. _

Then the umbrella in his hands twitched. It warmed up. That emptiness in his core was suddenly replaced with an overwhelming warmth that shocked he felt in his  _ bones _ . 

And then the world was back in color, and vines were rushing towards him, and he was clutching to the top of the rope. 

“What the fuck!” Taako ignored them, staring up at the doors three stories up. “Taako, what the fu--”

“ _ Later _ , big guy!” He hooked his umbrella on his belt. The first vine lashed out at Taako, but he dodged and grabbed at it before he could do anything. He felt power blow through his veins and it turned to rope in his grip. He swung up on it, then grabbed another, jumping and ducking through the vine jungle and turning vines to rope as he passed through them. He saw Merle fall into line next to him, his own vines whipping out and carrying him through the path Taako was clearing, Magnus jumping close behind him. Finally, his fingers met the cold metal of the elevator door. He leaned against the door on the ledge. Merle and Magnus swung up next to him, battering back any vines. 

“Well, let’s go fight some weeds on Floor 20,” Taako ground out, and turned the door brittle. 

“Nice one.” Magnus smashed through the door and the three jumped through.

The room was dangerously quiet. The vault was utterly destroyed, roots gripping at the twisted steel and money strewn everywhere. For a second it seemed as if the room was empty.

“There wasn’t supposed to be anyone in the building. You three need to  _ leave _ ,” a woman spoke behind them. They spun to face her. She was tall, about Taako’s height, face obscured by a feathery black mask. Pale skin peeked through her black-leather outfit. 

“Thank god, we’re finally fighting someone with some fashion sense!” Taako quipped, assuming a defensive position. 

“I’m guessing that’s the Raven!” The other two joined him.

Vines surrounded the woman, obscuring the light from the window. 

“Leave. Now. Before I  _ make you _ ,” she growled. Magnus, predictably, didn’t heed her warning and ran towards her. But before he could get within ten feet of her, the vines slammed down and they were thrown back by the sheer force of it. Taako’s head hit the floor with a sickening crack, and his vision started to fuzz ou…

…

Glass shattering.

…

A woman, short, with a GPD uniform.

…

“Sloane, you’re not a killer!”

…

The room blinked back into vision. The woman, only a little taller than Merle, was propping an ice pack under his head. There was a hard look to her eyes, a steely pain that rang too familiar in his mind.

“I’m Lieutenant Hurley. I saw you guys get blown back through the window and I decided to assist.” Taako picked up a pebble, turned it into a mild headache medicine, and popped it in his mouth. The ache was starting to subside now, and he stared at Hurley.

“And the Raven?” Magnus asked. Hurley’s jaw tightened.

“She escaped when I entered. Basically vanished. No clue which direction she went in.” She glanced back to Taako. “Is it just the mask, or is he staring at me?”

“You called her Sloane.” Hurley flinched infinitesimally. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Then the room flooded with officers and she was gone. Captain Bane lumbered over to where paramedics were helping them up. He was saying something, but Taako couldn’t get the woman’s face out of his head. Where had he seen that look before?

_ Do you know how much it would cost to rebrand? We already have the t-shirts, we can’t reprint them. We would need all the puffy pain in the world! _

Oh.

It was betrayal. 

“Are you even listening to me?” Taako turned around to face him.

“We need to speak with one Lieutenant Hurley.”


	12. Speed and Weed(s): Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can the boys earn the trust of Hurley and catch the Raven in time? Spoiler Alert: Yes. Yes they can. Also, Taako, you can't use the 'I'm gay I can't drive,' excuse anymore, okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter, I've had a busy weekend, the first week of summer and all! Hope you like it maybe? Idk man. I was super close to adding more Angus McDonald because I could, honestly.

Lieutenant Hurley was hiding in her car. 

“Crying,” Taako added uncomfortably when he returned from investigating. “Yeah, she for deffo sure knew the Raven.” All three of them glanced over to the car and back at each other. 

“You figured out the Raven thing?” Magnus offered, pushing him towards the car. Taako didn’t budge. He was a self-proclaimed ‘fucking expert at repression and all that good shit’, so, yeah.

“I’m… nope. Not my cup of tea. Not it. Maggie?” Magnus looked similarly lost. He was the most emotionally available of the group by a long shot, but that translated to shouting and hugging and other such unsubtle things that weren’t exactly helpful all the time? But that left… 

“I’ll do it,” Merle sighed, trying his very best to seem exasperated. The other two looked at each other, then back at the old man. “Do you have a better idea?”

They did not, and now Merle was rapping on the window of the car. Wow, roles had reversed from his teenage, or rather, most of his adult years. Hurley looked up to wave him away, but then she saw it was him and reluctantly unlocked the doors. Merle plopped into the passenger’s seat. There was a moment of expectant silence as she looked at him with red-rimmed eyes. 

“Well? What do you need?” Her voice was very carefully steady, and Merle absently wondered if she had practice. Poor kid. 

“I don’t know, I just wanted to give you a moment to collect yourself. It’s kinda shitty of me to bust in here and grill you, don’t you think?” Merle fumbled over his words. It’s been a while since he’d had to comfort someone any more than some vague yet helpful(?) advice. Hurley just scowled. 

“I know good cop-bad cop when I see it. I’m literally _in_ the police. Which one’s next, the big one or the shady one?”  _ Okay, this will be harder than I expected. _

“There’s no routine, I promise! No tricks, no nothing. God knows we’re not smart enough for any of that. We’re just trying to do our jobs, really.” Hurley narrowed her eyes at him and he swallowed.

“I don’t have to tell you anything. You’re vigilantes, I should  _ arrest _ you. Leave this one to the police.” Oh. There’s the play.

“You should tell us  _ because _ we’re not official and all. You can’t very well go after the Raven by yourself, and I  _ know _ you want to, but if you insist on going through with it, people are going to ask questions. And maybe it makes us idiots, but we won’t butt into any of your shit if you don’t want us to. My guess is that the police won’t be as forgiving as we’d be in catching her. We don’t want to hurt her.”

“How do I  _ know _ that?” Hurley hissed, then froze. “Oh, I mean…” Merle’s gaze softened. “That’s not what I…”  _ Okay, now or never, old man. _

“I’ve done my research. Your Sloane, she’s a burglar, right? Never hurt a person in her entire career until now. You and her? Good people, as far I can see. So she stole a little bit from some rich people? Whatever. We all get stuck in positions and not everyone can help their walk of life. What I’m saying is, the police won’t have the same mentality. We know it’s not her fault she’s like, well, you saw. And we can  _ help _ you _if you let us_.” Merle held his breath. “Please?”

Hurley broke the stare first to squint into the distance. They sat in heavy silence for a moment, then she sighed and leaned back. 

“Tell your friends to get in the car.”

-

The outskirts of Goldcliff were known for being a shithole. As they passed the dusty streets and makeshift homes, Taako let out a wry laugh.

“Looks like home,” he muttered to himself. Well, that wasn’t concerning at all. Merle made a mental note to subtly bring that up later. Finally, they arrived at a large, albeit janky garage. Hurley pulled into a discreet side door, letting them in. The interior was much nicer than the outside, all fluorescent lights and half-built projects. 

Now, if Goldcliff was famous for one thing besides the gold, the cliff, and the shitty outskirts, it was the illegal drag racing/bloodsport ring. The worst-kept secret of the city, the only reason it wasn’t completely stamped out was that the rich, high-up citizens themselves often indulged in watching the deadly races.

It was simple to connect the dots when the half-made projects were revealed to be cars. 

“I assume, since you’ve done your research, you know about the Raven’s side job as a racer?” 

“Raven and the Ram, reigning champions,” Taako rattled off. Hurley retrieved a box from under a table. There were two masks in it.

“We were… partners.” The weight she put on that word was enough to force all the breath from Merle’s lungs. 

“You’re a cop. That’s… illegal?” Magnus offered. Hurley fixed him with a stare.

“So is dating a burglar. We didn’t hurt anyone. That was our rule, no deaths. Just racing. And then, well, you saw.” Merle winced in memory. “I don’t know what changed.” 

“This is a classic ember case, isn’t it?” Taako offered. Hurley made the how-the-fuck-did-you-make-that-static-noise face, but they collectively decided to save that for later. “Well, not to worry, she’s just been possessed by a power in a set that we’ve been tracking for a while.” Taako winced the moment the words left his mouth. “Yeouch. That was rough. Can we redo that?”

“No. I want to know what I’m getting into.” Hurley took a shaky breath, then dropped the box on the table beside her. “Alright, I think I have an idea. The last time she was racing, she went all out, doing all that… vine stuff. I know Sloane, she’s not the kind to go out of her way like that. I think that she wants to know that there’s something more powerful than her right now.”

“We can’t fight her,” Merle started, but Hurley shook her head. She grabbed the edge of a cloth-covered thing in the middle of the room and pulled it off revealing the sleekest, coolest car any of them had seen. Now, Merle didn’t know much about cars, but even he could tell every feature screamed power, especially the giant steel ram horns fixed to the front. Hurley had a dangerous glint in her eye.

“We’ll race her. I can beat her in a race with your help, I know it.” 

“I’m gay I can’t drive,” came tumbling out of Taako’s mouth before he could help it. Hurley just gestured to herself.

“My girlfriend and I are literally champion drag racers,” she deadpanned. “I don’t need you to drive anyway. I don’t trust you bozos with my baby. You,” she pointed at Merle, “will man the projectiles. Your job is to slow people down and slow people down  _ only _ .” Taako gave her an uneasy thumbs up. “Magnus, you’ll be the jumper. That means you jump out of our car to slow other people down or keep other people from jumping onto our car.”

“What the fuck is this sport.” Hurley ignored Merle, pointing at Taako.

“You’re going to be our onboard mechanic. I  _ know _ you don’t know cars, but you’re not the idiot you pretend to be. Just zap things with your pretty light magic when they get broken. You can do that, right?” Taako scowled at her tone but nodded at her. “Now, three superheroes can’t very well be seen be doing all this illegal stuff, so…”

“Animal masks?” Magnus squeaked a little too happily. Taako shook his head.

“Nope, you’ll be too obvious. Plain hoods or smooth masks would work. We should also pretend we don’t have powers. Too identifying.”

“Oh, also, since you’re here, I need a favor.” Hurley tossed them a racing flyer plastered with bikers and shark insignias. “This is a rival gang that stole a really, really,  _ really _ expensive car part from me last week. I want it back. And I know,” she cut the boys, “you could probably just buy me another one. It’s a matter of principle. Don’t murder anyone. See you later.” 

-

“How did we get here?” Merle whispered to Taako. They were in mechanics uniforms, ducking under a window where the majority of a drag racing gang was, listening in as Magnus bullshitted his way into getting everyone under a car jack. 

The long answer included knocking at least two people unconscious because ‘what are they going to do, go to the police?’, throwing a guy over a cliff, and stealing the face of a person. But before Taako could even get to the knocking people unconscious part, there was a crash and Taako and Merle jumped into action. Chained in the corner was a hulking, hairy figure in a helmet, who grabbed at one of the people with his limited grip and slammed his head down into the ground. Merle ran to free the man, dodging the assailants. Magnus had at least three people pinned under the car lift and was fighting four more, all of whom had tasers. Taako cracked his knuckles cooly. 

“I want that.” A bunch of very cool moves this author doesn’t have the authority to describe, their foes lay unconscious and in horrible, horrible condition around them. The now-not-chained guy looked up from where he was on the ground, helmet broken off. Everyone collectively froze, and before the trio could move the man bolted. Taako looked at the others.

“Was that Klaarg?” he squeaked. Magnus glared at him.

“Okay, what did you do to him?” Taako scrambled back.

“Nothing, why are you asking me that?” Magnus glared at him more. “IjustdidanunethicalishexperimentonhisbrainwhereItriedtotrasmutesomeofhisbrainactivitytoconvincehimtolikemeandthatmighthavehadsomerepercussions?” Magnus gave him a concerned look.

“What kind of repercussions?” Taako gave a weak shrug. “Taako, I--”

“Hey, is this the part Hurley was talking about?” Merle held up what looked like a fancy engine part. Taako and Magnus both gave him varying looks from where Magnus had Taako pinned, and he gave a weirdly parental sigh. “Just leave it for later guys. Let’s go.” Magnus let Taako go, and Taako rolled his eyes.

“Whatever,  _ Dad _ .” The three walked out of the lair, stretching out and kicking unconscious bodies out of the way.

“Ah shit, we weren’t supposed to kill anyone.”

“We didn’t kill a bunch of people, really, minimal body count! Not our most lethal mission!”

“Yeah.”

They walked out of the complex. The few people milling about at this time took one look at the three of them emerging, bloodstained mechanics uniforms, completely unharmed, and holding a duffle bag, from a notorious gang hideout, and wisely left. They walked side-by-side through the neighborhood. 

“If we  _ did _ have animal masks, what would you choose? I would want a bear mask, but I already have a bear mask.”

“An owl. They’re… wise.”

“Ha! Right!”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’d want to be… a mongoose.”

“Oh my god.”

“Stop laughing!”

“You’re  _ kidding _ !”

“I’m not! Let me have layers! Mongeese are so cool!”

“You’re such a nerd.”

“ _ Dad _ ! Magnus is being mean!”

“I’m sorry kid, that’s pretty stupid.”

“They’re impervious to poison! They kill snakes!”

“Okay, no need to get upset.”

“...”

“I’m sorry, I’m just imagining you with all the little teeth and everything I just…”

“Fuck you.”


	13. Speed and Weed(s): Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to race, guys! Hurley says not to murder anyone. No promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit early because of summer homework and such. I'm going to try for more frequent and longer updates to try to knock this out before NaNoWriMo!

It was a hot night, as Goldcliff nights often were. The three boys were wearing the mechanic's uniforms they had stolen from the Hammerhead’s, shark insignias hastily ripped off, and surgical masks. Taako had painted the remainder of their faces with black and blue swirls. They were, generally, unrecognizable. The car growling under their seats, the lights glinting off of the metal, the crowd roaring in the distance, all of it had anticipation sitting heavy in their stomachs. Hurley was seemingly unaffected by it all. If anything, it seemed to spur her on. She sat in the front seat, clutching to the steering wheel with a daring smile on her face. 

“Any last words?” she half-joked. Before any of them could answer, a horn blared and they were all lurched forward with the car. 

Magnus had to admit there was a rush to this, speeding through the dust clouds with the crowd cheering and watching other cars hurtle past. Then he saw an orange glow and a wave heat behind him, and five horns blared. 

“What’s that?” he yelled over the cars.

“Every horn means a team was just taken out!” Right. Bloodsport. “Don’t forget to watch out for jumpers!” Just as Hurley yelled that, Magnus whirled around to see someone leaping from a nearby car. In a knee-jerk reaction, his fist met the man’s face, sending him flying off the car and back into the window-shield of his car, sending it spinning away. Magnus winced at the blood on his hand, and the subsequent horn blew. 

Right. Bloodsport.

Just as he settled back, a very, very large car came barreling towards them, with seemingly no intention of stopping. Hurley punched the gas, and Magnus leaned back at a nearly impossible angle. The car simply trampled over the back end of their car, so close to Magnus’ face he could feel the rumble of the motor in his jaw. Hurley must have built the car well, because it simply sputtered a bit and moved the slightest bit slower. Just slow enough that the giant car passed them, though. Taako was already clambering to the back to fix the car, but another car was creeping in behind them. 

“Hey, big guy! Duck!” Magnus complied just as three thorns flew past his head and through the window of the big car. Behind him, the metal of Hurley’s car popped back, smooth and unwrinkled, and Hurley boosted ahead as the big car crashed down on the one behind them. Two horns blared.

Before they could catch their breath, there was a horrible sound of something piercing metal, and the passenger door was suddenly ripped away into the dust beside their car.

Taking Merle with it. 

“What the  _ fuck _ !” Taako yelled, and without a second thought, Magnus jumped into the cloud of dust. As he did, the dust cleared to reveal… really? 

The car was massive and had a trailer behind it. The trailer showed off a glass tank filled with water, in which Merle was sealed. 

“ _ WHAT THE FUCK _ ?!” In his surprise, Magnus’ fingers nearly missed the side of the car. He scrabbled on just in time, clutching to the side of the tank. Merle was desperately pounding at the sides of the tank, vines flopping weakly against the glass. Another claw shot out from the side of this clusterfuck of a car, this time latching onto the side of Hurley’s car. Hurley just kept driving, albeit the car shaking dangerously. Magnus grabbed the wire with both of his hands, bracing himself against the car, and tore it in half. The claw broke away from the car, and the movement sent Magnus’ elbow into the glass beside him. The tank shattered, glass pieces flying behind them, and Magnus grabbed Merle before he could fly away too. They both clung to the vehicle. 

A laser shot out from the other car, hitting the front wheel and shaking the car vigorously. Yet it still kept clunking along. 

“Hurley! Get closer! We’ll jump!” Magnus bellowed. Hurley went for a hard right, and Magnus launched across the gap to hold onto the side of the car. But grabbing onto the car let Merle slip out of his grip and away, into the path of their vehicle. 

There was a breathless moment where Merle, wet and limp, grabbed at air.

Then his empty grip was filled with shimmering, rainbow hair. 

Merle opened his eyes, nearly falling off of the horse in surprise.

No, not a horse. Merle, jostling along at their speed, was riding a translucent, two-horned unicorn. 

Magnus looked down, and Taako’s arm was outstretched, a look of shock on his face. He turned to Magnus, who could only imagine what expression was on his face. _ He just created a binicorn ghost. How? Why? _

“What’s his name?” Is what Magnus found tumbling out of his mouth. Taako blinked slowly for a moment, then a wide smile spread under his mask.

“Garyl!” He yelled back. Then there was no time to talk because Hurley made an even harder right and then they were slamming into the claw-vehicle. It sprawled away, and then Hurley jerked the wheel and they were racing forward again. There was a big crashing noise, and three more horns sounded. 

“How did you do that?” Magnus yelled.

“I- Well, the kid realized that there wasn’t a limit to what I could create! I can create nearly everything. I mean, it’s draining the more unrealistic it is, but I can!”

Merle was still staring down at shock.

“Kid?” he yelled into the car. “This you?”

“His name’s Garyl!” Taako yelled back. He looked like a kid in a candy store, and Magnus could feel the latent nerding out he wanted to do from here. And he had to admit it was super, super cool. Hurley was whooping in the front seat, just yelling ‘Fuck yeah!’ over and over again. There was another car behind them, and Magnus jumped on it, making quick work of the passengers. Taako already smoothed over the damages. They’re doing pretty competently!

“Hey, it’s those guys!” Magnus whipped his head around and there they are, filling a speeding truck. The Hammerheads. 

“FP, no!” He turns back to look in front of him, where his teammate has just been knocked out of the car by some other group. Magnus rushed to jump for him, but Taako’s too far, and it’s too late, and…

Like a tennis ball, Taako was grabbed out of the air by a hulking figure and stuffed into the sidecar. It zoomed by on his motorcycle, slowing down just enough to see who it was.

“Klarg, my man!” Taako looked a bit hysterical, clutching onto the vehicle with a white-knuckled grip. The giant man’s eyes were glassy, and he smiled brightly.

“Taako! Are you okay?” Taako just gave a shaky laugh. Understandable. He  _ did _ just almost die.

The Hammerheads took that moment to speed up right beside Hurley’s car, a few jumping on. Magnus jumped out of the car he was in and back onto the car, but Hurley appeared on the roof before he could and took them all down in a series of clean shots. The car Magnus was just on veered and crashed, causing another horn blasting and some really cool backlighting for Hurley. Magnus looked up at Hurley in awe.

“Shit. What are you doing driving?” Before Hurley could answer, the whole car shook. 

The car had the new addition of a giant spear affixed into the back, connecting them to the Hammerheads’ car. Above them, the announcer rang out. 

“Interloper! In the black motorcycle! Get out or we will shoot!” Klarg just laughed and dodged the ensuing spray of bullets. Taako was not as carefree. 

“Don’t worry, Taako! I’ll keep you safe!” Klaarg yelled back. 

Merle ran at the car that knocked Taako down, but the car sideswiped Garyl to the side. Merle jumped onto the car just as Garyl was caught under the wheels and dissipated. Taako jolted in front of Magnus. One of the riders stabbed Merle in the shoulder before he could get up. 

Magnus couldn’t even think of retaliation before he felt the car being jerked backward. He looked at the Hammerheads. They were  _ reeling  _ them  _ in _ . He reached down to loosen the spear, but the car jerked and he nearly fell off.

“Anyone got any ideas?” 

“Hold on, Maggie, I got a good one!” Taako said something to Klarg, and then the motorcycle drifted backward enough that they were in jumping distance of the Hammerheads. Taako clambered in between the front of the motorcycle and Klaarg, and then Klaarg was jumping onto the truck. The spray of bullets tracing Klaarg followed and the truck was caught in the crossfire, spiraling and smoking away. Then Taako sped forward on the motorcycle to the car Merle was on. “Hey, fuckers!” With two discreet shots with his umbrella, both of the passengers slumped forward. Merle was already stumbling to his feet, hand over his shoulder.

“It’s way more shallow than it looks!” Merle shouted, but Taako flicked his hand at him and the wound closed. Merle climbed into the passenger’s seat, pushing the unconscious driver out and taking the wheel. 

Now there were four vehicles left on the track: the car Merle was driving, Taako and his motorcycle, Magnus and Hurley in her car, and, right up ahead, the Raven. 

She was in a sleek, shiny black car that  _ screamed _ cool and fast. It glided at a near-impossible speed, glossy coat seemingly untouched by the dust around it. 

Magnus wasn’t really a car guy, but it was beautiful.

Taako was speeding ahead, grinning widely. Merle veered over and jumped into the passenger’s seat of Hurley’s car. A horn blared as the car he was in crashed somewhere behind them. Raven’s car was still  _ just  _ too far off to reach, even with Hurley hunched over the wheel as she was. Taako sped in front of them, trailing right behind Raven. 

“Can’t drive, my ass,” Hurley muttered to herself, but her smile was wider than ever. She flicked a switch on her dashboard, and a panel flipped revealing a big, red button. Merle and Magnus’ eyes nearly popped out of their heads. “You boys want to--” She didn’t even have to finish her sentence before they were slamming on the button with both hands. The car just kept speeding for a moment.

Then they were all thrown back. The crowds and passing road smeared to a blur as they were shot forward like a car-missile. It was only ten seconds, but after the car jerked to normal racing speed the Raven’s car was right in front of them, Taako right behind. Hurley crawled forward, slowly gaining ground, until it seemed that Sloane hit her own big red button and shot forward a precious ten feet. Hurley’s car was lagging now, tires squealing against the pavement.

By now the finish line was in sight, a small stripe at the edge of the cliff. There was a group of cars and people huddled around, including what Magnus could recognize as undercover police vehicles. 

“Goddammit,” Hurley grit out, trying her best to speed ahead. 

“I got you!” Taako yelled, then sped forward to Sloane and thrust out his hand. There was a white flash, and right before he disappeared Taako slammed on the emergency brake. Then the dust cleared, and they were hurtling past a shell-shocked woman in leather on the motorcycle. In front of them, Sloane’s car swerved, steadied, then fell back a bit. Hurley sped up a bit, and then they were neck-in-neck with a smug Taako driving Sloane’s car. 

Scratch that, Taako was trying to  _ pull ahead _ . Magnus smiled and jumped onto Sloane’s car, sliding into the shotgun seat in an admittedly cool movement. 

“Dude!” Someone shouted from the other car.

“I want to win!” he yelled back. Hurley punched forward, Taako inched a bit more, such forth, such forth. 

Hurley raced across the finish line a fraction of a second before him. The two cars slid to a stop right at the edge of the cliff. There was a moment of breathless silence, where it was just the heat of the desert and the adrenaline racing in their veins. Then the crowd exploded, a giant roar that nearly knocked them off the cliff. Confetti rained down around them, pooling at their dusty feet and sticking to their sweaty skin. Captain Bane walked out of one of the totally-not-police-cars and gave them a secret thumbs-up.

The victory was short-lived, any sort of celebration cut short with the rumble of a motorcycle approaching. 

“Sloane!” Hurley yelled, but Sloane didn’t slow down. “Sloane, stop!” Thunder rumbled in the distance. The crowd stirred up louder as she showed no signs of stopping, just barreling past them and the police and the finish line and then straight off the cliff. All was silent for a second. 

Then everyone near the cliff’s edge was thrown back with a force that buzzed through the air. When everyone finally stumbled to their feet, the first thing they noticed was the tornado that had risen up from the canyon. It was kind of hard to see anything else past that, so they mostly focused on the tornado.

Then a gasp ripped through the crowd, and Hurley’s mask was cast aside as she ran to her car.

“Lieutenant?” Captain Bane fumbled out, but she was already in her car, revving up. The boys locked eyes, and in unison, they all clambered in after her. Hurley was crying again, but this time in an angry, desperate way that made her movements jerky. When she saw the boys, she waved them away.

“I’ve asked too much of you, you guys- you guys don’t have to.” Magnus gave her his best blank stare. 

“No, I just forgot my wallet, I’m not going with you. Of course I’m going with you!” She stared at him for a moment, then burst into teary laughter. 

“Yeah, this is kind of our job? Also, you’re chill and we don’t want you to get hurt. But also we will be fired if we don’t,” Taako bounced back. Hurley let out a laugh-sob and turned back forward.

“Alright. Hold onto your butts!” She backed the car up a few paces, and before any police people could stop her, she slammed on the gas and drove straight off the cliff and into the storm. 

They fell for a moment, but the wind caught them out of the air and sent them spinning. Hurley whooped as they raced around the tornado, clutching to their respective butts. As they flew, they caught glimpses of Sloane in the eye, completely consumed in a column of thorns. Sloane was shadowed by a giant silhouette of a woman made of thorny vines, scratching at the air. 

“She’s stealing my thing, guys! Plats are kinda my thing!” Merle yelled.

“Guys? Can you tether us or something? We need to get into the eye!”

Magnus grabbed the harpoon fixed to the top of the car and threw it into the column with all his strength. It shot out and snagged on some vines, pulling them closer every time they spun around until they skidded close enough that when Magnus snapped the wire they landed on the leafy surface. Sloane was now almost entirely covered in thorns, screaming into the sky. 

Magnus rushes in first, tearing through vines until he gets to Sloane inside. She looked terrible, so consumed by power it shone painfully through her veins, and she snarled when he approached. He socked her square in the jaw.

She laughed and then waved her hand, sending flying out. Taako was desperately shooting at the thing with his finger guns, little fires that were put out with little bits of rain. Hurley had run back to the car, digging through the back, before emerging with Taako’s weird umbrella. 

“Hey, Flip Wizard!” She tossed it at Taako, who caught it deftly and flipped it around to aim at the vine monster. 

Magnus could already tell this shot was different than the others. Light shot up Taako’s arm, as it usually did, but when it went through the umbrella it grew intense,  _ hot _ . And then there was a blinding flash of light and searing heat and then the vine monster was just  _ gone _ , ash blown into the tornado. Taako slumped forward a bit after the hit, clutching at his arm.

“Woof, that was, that was a big one,” he panted out. 

“ **Impressive** ,” Sloane laughed, and then vines started to crawl over her again, this time with the addition of silver-tipped thorns. Merle held Magnus back before he could rush forward again. 

“Silverpoint thorns. Deadly poisonous. Don’t touch.” Hurley turned toward them, something cold in her eyes and a bag on her shoulder. 

“I’ve got a plan.” She looked at Merle. “Okay, can you make a leaf-bubble around us? Like, so if we fall, we won’t die? I need it for the plan.” Merle furrowed his brow for a moment and leaves sprouted around their group, encasing them entirely in vines. 

They didn’t realize she was backing away from them until she dove out of the hole in the bubble right as it was about to close, running at Sloane and yanking something out of the bag. 

It was the expensive thing they had stolen from the Hammerheads the other day, now glowing a bright, neon blue. She was still diving for Sloane, who paid Hurley no mind. Merle didn’t have time to react before the bubble was closed and then they were blown back. 

-

When they wake up, they’re in the middle of Goldcliff, sirens wailing in the distance. They are sitting in a shallow pool of water, and there is a warm light next to them.

Sloane is sitting, looking tired but not possessed, Hurley in her lap. Her mask is off, and her eyes are welling with tears. Hurley shifts, and then Sloane’s tears make sense.

Her entire right side is consumed with silver black lines, curving under her skin. Silverpoint poisoning. But she smiles up at Sloane.

“Someone’s in trouble _ , _ ” she sings. Her voice has a weak bite to it that makes everyone wince. Sloane is clutching to Hurley, tears dripping off of her face, but she makes an effort to smile back.

“You did it, babe. You saved everyone.”

Taako is leaning against Magnus, so obviously drained. His eyes were wide, and his jaw had a hard set to it. 

“I can- I can fix it.” 

“You’re dead on your feet,” Hurley coughs out, and she’s right. Taako doesn’t look like he could walk over to Hurley, let alone stop the poisoning. Sloane looks over at them.

“Don’t let this happen again.” The hard tone in her voice clutches at their throats. Hurley’s breath is getting shallower, and Magnus has never felt more useless. Sloane’s face softens, and she stoops her head to whisper something in Hurley’s ear. 

“Yeah, I like that.” Sloane starts to glow again, softly this time. Then, like a bubble bursting, there’s a flash of light.

Then there is a flurry of pink. Cherry blossoms.

The wind drops, and the petals drift down, and in the middle of the puddle, there is a giant, beautiful cherry. 

At the base, there are two vaguely humanoid outlines, a taller woman holding a smaller one, and on the gnarled roots there rest two masks. A raven and a ram. Next to them is that small, glowing ember, which flew into Merle’s pocket. For a moment, the world was silent as they stood under the tree, staring at the two masks.

And then there’s the screeching of tires and the wail of sirens, and they turn away.

-

The three of them sat in Captain Bane’s office, an air of solemnity choking out any of their usual goofs as they explained what happened. When they’re done, Bane sighs and leans back.

“She was a good one, too. Welp, at least the job got done, right? How about a celebratory drink?” Before they can even answer, Captain Bane is pouring out three glasses of brandy and sliding it to them. He was sweating. A lot. All three of them looked at each other, and in silent agreement, pushed the glasses away. 

“Uh, we’re good,” Magnus offered. 

Apropos nothing, Captain Bane slammed his hands down on the table, sending the drinks sloshing. His eyes were wild, consumed. All three of them jumped up, weapons drawn, but he froze. 

Jerkily, he picked up a glass, downed it, turned purple, and keeled over. 

“What the fuck just h-- What the fuck?!”

Before any of them could react, a hum reverberated around the room. In front of them appeared a figure in front of them, draped in red. 

Magnus, of course, socked it. Well, he tried, but really just stumbled right through it and slammed into the wall behind it. The figure floated, unaffected. Magnus growled and leaped for it again, but he found himself caught with vines. Merle guided him back to the ground.

“You can’t punch ghosts, idiot,” Merle muttered. Magnus stuck his tongue out in retaliation. The figure waited, floating there. It was almost familiar, but not too familiar.

“What do you want?” Magnus growls. He also ignored Taako’s comment on how cliche he was. Then, rumbling from everywhere, a voice slid through their ears.

**“Are you afraid?** ” 

“I mean, everyone gets scared someti--” Magnus slaps a hand over Merle’s mouth. The figure gestured down to Captain Bane.

**“This is the true nature of man. The hunger. It consumes everything. This is your first lesson.** **”** A breeze blew through and out the window, and with it, the figure. Magnus couldn’t help feeling like he just lost something. 


	14. Something Is Happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old friend makes an appearance, and an old one disappears. Also, who invited the nerd?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD I did not deliver on my 'longer chapters' bullshit. I was so happy when I realized I could write ANGO MY BOY again. Also, Lucas stans don't freak out I don't hate him I just think he's a nerd.  
> He has good hair tho.   
> OH also I'm not going to post next week and maybe the week after that because vacation babeey.   
> (also there are no laws in space)

_ “Our sources in the Goldcliff Police report the latest supernatural case has been solved by none other than America’s favorite superheroes. More on this later…” _ The Director flicked the TV off, staring at the three boys. She was not smiling.

“What’s the problem, boss? We got the ember, nearly no one was killed, and we got some good publicity for it!” Merle was unceremoniously draped over one of her chairs, oblivious to the tense atmosphere in the room. Lucretia took in a breath, head clasped and held to her lips. She pointed the tips of her fingers to the boys. 

“Well, first of all, while your body count wasn’t  _ as bad _ , you somehow managed to leave behind a mess so big it makes  _ Phandalin  _ almost look manageable. Second of all, you’ve somehow killed our  _ main source _ into the Goldcliff Police Department, which had made ‘getting some good publicity’ leagues harder than it should be. And finally,  _ what is the point of you three being superheroes if you keep attempting stealth missions? _ ” The Director was standing now, her best I’m-not-mad-I’m-just-disappointed look leaving them all almost… humbled? They all visibly swallowed in near unison. It was almost impressive.

“Well, for one thing, we didn’t kill Captain Bane?” Magnus tried. 

“Yeah, the red ghost dude did!” Taako chimed in. 

The Director, to say the least, was not consoled.

The Director had ticks. She raised her voice. She got exasperated. They had seen it all, really. But this was the first time any of them had seen her truly staggered. She was frozen, eyes wide, a hundred indecipherable expressions flashing over her face. And, if they were really paying attention, they would have seen the sheen of unshed tears glaze over her eyes.

“M-Madam Director?” Like someone flicked a switch, she composed herself into the icy statue that she seemed to be in her portrait. 

“I will give you the benefit of the doubt this time, but listen to me. If you ever come across one of these ‘red ghosts’ again, don’t say a single word to it. Just run. You’re dismissed.” 

The three’s already killed mood stabbed once again, they all shuffled out of the room. 

“Oh, I’ve nearly forgotten. There is a new recruit outside of the Void chamber I think you three should meet. You might find him familiar.”

-

The walk to the Void chamber was entirely silent all the way up to the elevator.

“Oh shit! The Red Robes!” Merle yelled, interrupting the tinkling elevator music. 

“What?”

“The Red Robes, they’re the ones that made the ember!”

“Oh! The red ghost dude is--  _ oh _ !”

“Shit, this makes way more sense now.”

_ Ding _ ! The three stepped out of the elevator. 

Then they were almost shoved back in by the tiny ball of force that slammed into Taako. 

“Hello sirs!” The three looked down. There, smiling as brightly as usual, was the Boy Detective himself, Angus McDonald. Taako’s face lit up, an expression he quickly smothered for a forced disinterest that didn’t fool any of them, including the psychic. 

“Good to see you, Agnes,” he muttered. Magnus, always enthusiastic, tried to clap Angus on the shoulder, which most likely would have killed him if Angus hadn’t stepped out of the way.

“How are you, kid?” Magnus shouldered on like he didn’t just nearly crush Angus’s whole arm. Angus followed suit, still smiling.

“I’m well. Oh! If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m the new recruit! Angus McDonald: World’s Greatest Detective and Informant to the Bureau of Balance!”

“Aren’t there like, child labor laws?” was Merle’s contribution. 

“I’m a very good detective, sirs. It was only a matter of time before I nearly figured it all out. The deal originally was they would either have to pay me or risk me exposing everything I knew, which was enough to incriminate them. But Madame Director thought I would be a good resource to have at the Bureau’s disposal!”

There was a beat of silence.

“Also, there are no laws in space!” Taako’s attempt at nonchalance melted at that, and he held his hand out for a high-five.

“Hell yeah!” Angus happily delivered on the high five, looking quite pleased with himself. Hell, he probably earned it. 

Magnus and Merle weren’t as delighted.

“Did you seriously… blackmail the government?” Angus’s smile turned unnerving.

“What’s the use of finding out government secrets if you can’t extort some money out of it!” Magnus was frowning, face scrunched up as he processed the weight of Angus’s words.

“You could have been killed for that! That’s dangerous!”

Angus shrugged, still smiling. “They sure tried their best!” 

Before they could unpack  _ all _ of that, they were interrupted by shouting down the hall, getting closer. 

“Lucas, you can’t--” Johann’s droopy voice was somehow just as sad as usual while still conveying total exasperation. 

“No, I’ll take this all the way to Lucretia if I have to! I want to know  _ everything _ about the Void, and if you’re not willing to provide that information, then I’ll…” The snivelly voice droned on, squeaking with rage. It was unfamiliar to the boys, as was the face it came from, which was getting rapidly closer. He was a decidedly square-ish person, clad in a sweater vest under a lab coat and thick-rimmed glasses. Great hair though. Johann was trailing after him, looking torn between wanting to stop the nerd and not wanting to put the effort into walking fast.

“Jeesh, who’s the nerd?” Magnus muttered. Angus’s eyes flashed, and he marched over to the nerd.

“Hello Mr. Lucas Miller!” he piped, holding out a hand. Lucas nearly didn’t see him in time, tripping over his feet so he didn’t run the child over. He looked down in confusion. 

“Who’s kid is this?” Angus was undeterred, hand still outstretched. 

“I’m Angus McDonald, Boy Detective and Informant for the Bureau of Balance! If you have questions about anything, I’m the one to ask!” Lucas squinted down at the small child for a few seconds, then looked up.

“Is this yo-- Oh shit, you’re the heroes! You’re pretty high up, aren’t you?”

“Guilty,” Taako replied. “What was all that about the Void?” Johann finally caught up, looking ruffled.

“Don’t ask, please,” he begged, but Lucas was already talking. 

“Look, I just need permission to move the Void to my lab to study it for a bit! Let me figure out how it  _ works _ , how it  _ ticks _ !” His voice had a bit of an intense pitch to it at the end, enough to make it just a bit creepy. Behind them, Johann was furiously shaking his head and mouthing his dissent. 

“Sir, I’m actually higher up than all of them, so y--” 

“Kid, I don’t know who you ar--” Angus’s eyes flashed and they all took a step back. He was still smiling. “Shit, wait are y--”

“Psychic? A bit!” Lucas stumbled back, sweat beading at his temples. Well, that wasn’t suspicious in the least bit.

Magnus tried diplomacy.

“Listen, I’m sure you don’t mean it like that, and I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but we don’t super have the authority to do that, so…” 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can’t do that, dude,” Taako bluntly cut in. Lucas’s face got incredibly red, and he spluttered his way over to the elevator. 

“Y-yeah? Well, I’ll jus--”

They were interrupted by a low note spilling from the Void control room. They all whirled around, Johann included.

“Uh, that doesn’t usually happen?” Johann whispered. Lucas rolled his eyes.

“That’s why I think that we should research the Void further! This could mean it’s about to murder us all and we wouldn’t know!” It was probably a valid point, but everyone was too caught up in running down the hall, leaving Lucas to splutter on his own.

The Void was the same as they left, spiraling computers and lights filling the room as it blared two more notes, then four. Johann was scrabbling around under a desk, emerging with some sheet music. The Void stopped, then repeated the tune again. Johann scribbled on the sheet music, brow furrowed. The five of them stood in the light of this giant being, entranced as it bellowed out a simple tune. It was calming, almost, the way it pulsed and hummed in the darkened room.

Then the spell was broken and the thing  _ screamed _ . 

They were all nearly knocked back by the force of it, the way it sent pain shooting through their brains, terrible, anguishing pain. 

Then it was gone. 

They all stood up, stretched out, looked around. The Void continued to hum on as usual. No one was hurt more than a little sudden drowsiness.

“What the  _ fuck _ ?”

-

Angus McDonald subscribed to the theory that mysteries were all about details. From the muddy smears on the sidewalk in the case of a missing cat to the peek of silver on a nice man’s shirt on a mind-erasing conspiracy, Angus could attribute many a solve to the details.

He knows when something feels off. And when something feels off, something is usually being hidden. And when something is being hidden, that means there’s a mystery.

So when he gets that feeling when he first talks to Lucretia, he doesn’t disregard it. He starts collecting details, and like any good detective, makes a crime board with lots of red string and blurry pictures. It’s like scrapbooking, really. In a way? 

It was Tuesday, his crime board day. He gets up bright and early and gets out his adult-person scissors (He made the switch from craft scissors when he knew he was ready. He knows his limits.) and a ball of yarn and makes a whole production of it, complete with his special crime-board playlist. He starts with the small ones, little jobs that are far too easy to solve, and circles them to post the militia or his clients about on Wednesday. Then came the harder ones, then the cold cases, and finally, he can get to his biggest board yet.

The Bureau Board. It was a behemoth of a board, entirely made up of details with nearly no solid proof. His favorite kind. He sorts through his notebook for the relevant details and cuts them out, careful to give it a deliberate jagged edge for Maximum Crime Board Aesthetic ™, and pins them on the board. 

_ Lucas Miller is hiding something big: unethical science to an unforgivable degree??? _ was looped around to a few other points, the most prominent being the founding of the Bureau and Lucretia.

_ the agent assigned to the Tres Horny Boi’s living quarters is gone (source: Taako via offhand comment): nicknamed ‘Pringles’ _ which was linked to, among other things,  _ someone broke into the Bureau of Balance (source: Lucretia via Bureau meeting) _ and  _ Red Robe causing the death of Captain Captain Bane through manipulation or perhaps possession via poisoning (source: mission report) _ .

_ lack of knowledge pertaining to Void _ , an old one on his board, made a new friend with  _ Void began blaring a simple seven-note tune that I will glean from Johann later with a pause between the first three notes and the last four notes, followed by a screaming sound that really hurt my brain. there were no other signs of the occurrence reflected on the Void’s performance afterward _

There were a few more minor notes about Garfield wanting blood from Magnus and the Rights of Remembrance, but that was nearly all of the notes for this week. Almost disappointing. 

Angus stepped back from his crime board, quite proud of himself. It was crowded, not cluttered, and he patted himself on the back for the organizational prowess it takes to do such things. Then, of course, came the quintessential part of the crime board: the connection of the  _ proverbial _ dots. He blinked, then stared at the board as a whole. (The details were only important if they made a bigger picture.) 

He felt like he was very close to somethi… to somet… to some… He shook his head.  _ To so…  _

Why was this feeling so familiar? Why was his head so fuzzy? Like it was filled with static?

Static.

He scribbled something onto a scrap of paper, not taking his usual care to rip it and slap it on the board before stumbling forward. There was a sharp pain, and then he was better. Better. Well, that wasn’t entirely true because that would there was something wrong with him. Nothing happened. 

(Later he would find something marring his beautiful crime board. It was an entirely out of place, entirely unconnected scrap of paper hastily attached to the middle of it, reading:  _ VOID STATIC AFTER INOCULATION (SOURCE: OW) _

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty much going to just rewrite the whole of TAZ: Balance in this universe thing. Please feel free to comment, and do whatever the fuck else you're supposed to do for this thing idk I've had this account for like, fifteen minutes. Hang with me at https://escapistcatontheinternet.tumblr.com/


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